Filed under: Georgia on my mind.
It finally rained.
And I stood out in that shit, face to heaven, and let it pour down over my face, hair, arms, chest, down my shirt and into the waistband of my jeans. I was completely and utterly washed in Georgia rain.
I have so much to say. So many stories. Way too many pictures. Who knew two weeks would feel like one day and I would be packing up my suitcase and carry on bag, trying to fit all the extraneous shit in. That’s how I have felt these last two weeks. Like I was packing my soul full. Stuffed to the hilt with love, memories, laughter and tears. Trying to make it all fit. It’s seeping out of my pores and I don’t care. I think I have enough to last me until next visit. Yeah….right. I always say that and by the time I land in the desert, I’m weak and needing nourishment and I feel saddened and out of place.
This girl doesn’t want to leave. But what else is new?
Headed home. May God guide my plane safely so I can smell my babies necks again.
This girl is spent. Mind, body and soul.
And for the record? This girl is complete, as well.
Random Thought of the Day: Lazy Eye.
Much Love.
Filed under: Georgia...JO JA!
Ok…I am getting (supposed to be getting) ready for the Independence Celebration on Ft. Benning and my cooler of nourishment is packed and ready but I haven’t blogged anything but that is only because I am ON VACATION and for some reason, I actually have SHIT PLANNED this time and I haven’t had a moment to SIT MY ASS down and write but I will give you some highlights and I promise, next post will have picture because BIRDIE? Yeah. Heart Explosion times a million. No lie.
*Princess and I met at the Atlanta airport and ran down the center of the concourse, parting it like the RED SEA, screaming, crying and jumping into each other’s arms like complete fools. Glorious.
*”Is that Huckleberry Finn?” ~Princess….on seeing a local
*”Mom…your nipple is hanging out.” ~Maddie, calmly eating Goldfish crackers, helping her mama while she was wrestling someone for a coveted spoon in a card game while being drug across the kitchen table. Good times.
*I broke a fucking toenail. EGADS!!! Yeah. The world stop turning on its axis for a split second and I shed a tear. I did the unthinkable and PAINTED OVER MY FRENCH with a sexy ass red because there is NO way in HELL I’m going out in flip floppers with only NINE white tips. Although, it WAS during a Death Volleyball game so I’m feeling pretty good about that.
*”Mom….nipple….again.” ~Maddie….same card game….different spoon struggle.
*I peed myself that time.
*Something bit my breast…so….um…yeah…..I pretty much whipped the ENTIRE breast out that time.
*I think I broke my wrist in Death Volleyball.
*It’s humid as ALL HELL. And I love it. Princess is loving it too and she opened her legs and aimed the air condition at her VAGINA in the CAR to COOL OFF. My underwear had migrated up INTO my vagina at this point so I didn’t need to use her method. I did have to peel them off me later that night and since this little incident, I have been panty free. Yay!
*Birdie is killing me DEAD every second of EVERY day. I told her a secret and made her “pinky swear” and she said, “Ok” and promptly extended her middle finger to my face. So, from now on, we pinky swear that way. Love that child.
Ok…seriously? I’m getting yelled at right now so I have to go wash the stank out my ass and get ready to go to this Independence thingy majigger.
I will be back with updates soon.
Oh….and Princess called me a bitch.
STAY TUNED!
Random Thought of the Day: Ok….we gotta go 20 clicks on the recon near the fence line….left…left…then we can scare them. ~two drunks who shall remain nameless trying to get up the nerve to go scare two defenseless children who were sleeping on the trampoline.
Much Love.
Filed under: Georgia on my mind., Hot Ass Countdown Contest, I Crap Like a Man....for REALZ!
Um…you THINK I’m joking???!?!
And you KNOW I cant just buy a PLAIN ASS suitcase, which…WTF??? How come I didn’t have a fucking suitcase?? I have NO idea. I must have lost it in the divorce or some shit but REALLY??? Usually when I go on vacation, IT’S NOT FOR TWO WHOLE FUCKING WEEKS so I usually take a duffel bag and shit but HELLO????? TWO WEEKS!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHH! GOD! I am gonna shit myself on the plane. I just know it. Oh…..and please notice the pirate skulls AND if you look closely, you will see UNICORNS on THAT BITCH AS WELL!!!! It was like JESUS made this for ME!!!!!!! And I don’t give a FUCK if I am 38 years old and I should PROBABLY NOT have such a FUN ASS BAG because I AM NOT BORING AND NO ONE WILL STEAL MY SHIT ON THE TURNY THINGY AT THE AIRPORT!!! They will just be all “Whose SWEET ASS BAG IS THAT?” and then I will walk my CUTE ASS up there saying, “Pardon me, excuse me, pardon me” and the masses will open like the RED SEA and my perfectly French Manicured nails will scoop it up and I will totally do a HAIR FLIP and throw some DEUCES at GOD’S AIRPORT CHILDREN and they will be JEALOUS!!! I just know it. And I’m sorry my pedicure is GHASTLY in that picture but I am waiting for THEE last possible moment to get them done so Tuesday night it is. I can’t believe I didn’t crop my crackwhore feet out. Wait…yes, I can. I’m lazy. LULZBUBBLEBUTTHOLLA!
And….it seems I’m taking a vacation at the perfect time for THIS was the temp in Ruby today when I totally had to take a break from working HARD by laying on a raft and TANNING my fine ass and make a McDonald’s run (ack. really.):
Let’s see JUST how hot it can get up in this bitch!!!! Leave your guesses in the comments or email a bitch. Last year, it was 137 and I believe I sent mugs to some peeps. SWEET ASS mugs, at that. I GUESS I can send prizes out and stuff since this contest was such a HUGE success last year. Who DOESN’T LOVE FREE SHIT???
Did I mention I’m going to Georgia on Wednesday???? HOLY FUCK!!!
I went out to dinner with some colleagues of mine. I know, I know…..I’m so BAD ASS that I have colleagues and not just mere coworkers. Actually, they ARE coworkers but saying “colleagues” makes me feel important so for the rest of this story, just imagine me being “very important” and “saying smart stuff” and “laughing at colleagues jokes with my head thrown back and my hand to my chest”. This will give you a warped sense of my life, which is what I’m hoping for. Anyway, while I was chatting with my colleagues, I wanted to stab myself in the face. With a fondue fork. Numerous times. Until I bled out. I can’t go into detail but know that for two hours, I was in Hell. BUT! I got to eat fondue. Lots of fondue. So much fondue and steak and shrimp and THE ABSOLUTE BEST Ceasar Salad ever invented in the Salad 101 Kitchen that I literally had to slouch down in my seat and hold my stomach afterwards. I ate more in two hours than I usually eat in 4 days. Get THIS. I was SO full….that I didn’t even WANT the chocolate dessert fondue.
WTF?????
The thought of shoving ANYMORE food in my throat made me want to stab a unicorn. I know. I wanted to bring harm to God’s Holy Horse…..the animal of my dreams. The VERY one that covers me at night in blanket form while I slumber. I could barely fucking drive home. I had my seat back, like I was rolling “dirty” and stuff and I looked like a complete idiot but for FUCK’S SAKE, I couldn’t sit up straight because the FOOD was pushing on my RECTUM and I most likely would have shit. It was THAT bad.
Fast forward to this morning when I woke up to two bulldogs cage fighting in my stomach. I jumped up, RAN my ass to the bathroom and crapped. Hard. And it hurt.
I then get dressed and go downstairs for coffee and the 16 steps DOWN THE STAIRS, I guess gravity or something, made me have to shit IMMEDIATELY AGAIN.
That’s 2, people. In less than 3 minutes.
All in ALL, I have shit 8 times today.
In fact, I wasn’t hungry until about 2 o’clock when I ate a cheeseburger. From the time I got up until the 8 shits of DEATH, I still felt full. Like I had just gotten up from the table the night before. It was horrible but holy fucking shit, how come I haven’t had FONDUE BEFORE!!!?????? Is this a NEW thing? Because I totally think it’s a new thing. I’m just sayin’. I would have heard of this wonderful gift from our Lord LONG before last night. I’m in the market for a fondue thingy. AND….totally “something shiny” for ya’ll because I can’t seem to form complete and cognitive paragraphs, the CHEESE FONDUE??? Beer. WHO KNEW FONDUE HAD BEER????? WTF??? I can’t believe I just discovered the Holy Melted Cheese.
Ok….okokokokok. I gots to GO! I think I forgot to pack something and I only have TWO FULL DAYS left to figure out what the fuck it is. Because trust me….I WILL forget something important….like underwear or lip gloss.
Hair?????
Did.
Not bad for a little ol’ White Trash Pirate Who Bought a Box of Loreal #71 for $2.97 and Did That Shit Herself.
Word to your mother. Seriously.
Random Thought of the Day: Did you tell him he had a little dick? Because that’s bullshit. That pisses me off. ~Mom
Much Love.
HOLY LORD!!! Can this WEEK go ANY FUCKING SLOWER???? I think fucking not!!! I haven’t posted since Jesus talked to me and I’m really REALLY sorry about that (like anyone gives a flying assfuck but whatever) because I am SLAMMED at work and I’m SO VERY FUCKING TIRED and I’m worried about GEORGIA MONEY and being a MOM after my WORK DAY OF DEATH and OH EM GEE who is gonna feed the DAMN FISH WHILE WE ARE GONE (and I so want to flush them but I won’t because I know that’s WRONG in the Fish Lover’s EYES or whatnot) and FUCK I DON’T HAVE A SUITCASE WHAT FOR AM I TO DO and What Am I Gonna WEAR on the PLANE and should I STRAIGHTEN MY HAIR that morning or should I just say fuck it and put it in a PONYTAIL and I WONDER IF MY GEORGIA GIRLS ARE EXCITED TO SEE ME and I wonder if Geeky Tai Tai and Jer are gonna come hang out at the BAR with the Princess and me while we WAIT FOUR HOURS FOR MY GIRLS TO GET THERE BECAUSE THEIR DAD PUT THEM ON A DIFFERENT FLIGHT and OH MY GOD SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. I can’t wait. So….yeah….I’ve been CRAZY!!!!!!!
The other day, Maddie wanted to go to the MALL (hate. much hate.) and I was like, “Girl, I ain’t got no MONEY” and she was like, “I got some” and she ran upstairs and came down with THIS:
What the EFF????? I have NEVER seen that much CASH in my LIFE and I counted it out (after I asked her if she was at the strip club, to which she raised her one eyebrow and said, “Huh? What does that mean?”) and there was twenty seven dollars up in that WAD of GREEN!!! I then felt the Monkey of Love on my back and I said, “Baby….I have a confession to make. I found thirty dollars when I did your laundry and I was going to KEEP IT and I’M SORRY!!!” and I totally KNEW it was hers because a) I don’t ever HAVE cash and 2) I don’t do Dee’s laundry. She said “I wondered what happened to that money!!” and I hung my head and opened my WALLET because YES I had ALREADY PUT THAT SHIT IN THERE and I gave it back to her. That girl can SAVE some dollars. I’m so jealous. So, I gave her a wallet and I straightened all the bills out, smallest to biggest, and I put them in her wallet and I gave her a warning……If I EVER find money in the WASHER again, it’s mine. We shook on it. Here’s hoping she throws the wallet in the washer!!! SCORE!!!!
Every day, when I sit outside on my Back Porch of Love and Happiness, I see pigeon sex. EVERY. DAY. I used to look away, so as to give them some privacy but now, I am kinda turned on by the whole thing. It’s like porn…but it’s free. And it only lasts about 15 seconds which is pretty cool. And let me tell you, if you’ve NEVER seen birds “get it on”, you should try it. They are MEAN! After he forced himself onto her and beat her about the head and beak with his WINGS, he dismounted and stood right next to her….and then….they started SMACKING EACH OTHER! I am not kidding!! Like WING SLAPPING each other!!!! I tried to take some good pics but I don’t need to remind you that I SUCK ASS at action shots but DAMN!!! They did this for a good 5 minutes or so. Back and forth. Just bitch slapping each other. Is this normal??? Or do I just have kinky pigeons living in my tree???? I did get one pic but it sucks because there is no WING ACTION because I REALLY SUCK AT THIS:
Then the male just said “Peace out, ho” and he flew away and she just stood there for a minute or two and then lifted her dirty tail and took a shit. Right in front of me. I’m still kinda flabbergasted at the WING SLAPPING!!!! It was insane. And I know this is WAY too exciting for ya’ll and you are just glued to the computer like “WOW!!! She saw BIRDS FUCKING!!” and you WISH you lived my life. You. Wish.
And….this is the SHIT I had to look on at the Starbuck’s drive thru this morning:
FUCK! I SUCK!! What you can’t see is the bitch in the car in front of me (nevermind the RABID dogs that tried to BITE the Starbuck’s LADY as she passed the HEAVEN to the lady. Hounds of HELL, I tell ya.) but if you look CLOSELY in her rearview mirror, you will see that SHE has CURLERS in her HAIR!!!!!!! I ALMOST got out of my car and WALKED up to her window and said, “Pardon me…but I need to blog this carnage you are calling a HAIR DO” but I didn’t think about that until AFTER she drove away!!!! And they weren’t even NICE curlers!!! They were the FOAMY ONES and on just the ENDS of her hair!!!!! WHO DOES THIS SHIT????!?!?!?!?!?!!?!? She does, apparently. I was mortified. I don’t even go to my MAILBOX without a full face of make-up on. I am SO not kidding. And my hair???? Always coifed. ALWAYS. Trust me on this.
Alright….I have to go to SLEEP because when I wake up, it’s ONE MORE DAY closer to my TRIP OF LOVE and can I just tell you????? I am SO stoked. I can’t even pee straight. No lie.
Random Thought of the Day: That’s what he said.
Much Love. Oh….and GEORGIA!!!!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Filed under: Letters to Jesus
Wow. Three emails. You guys fucking rock. Anyway, it’s on. Listen up….for He speaketh. Or whatever.
Dear Jesus,
Why does Elle have to suffer with bad cells? She’s been through enough bullshit to last a decade, just in one year alone.
Love, Saintseester
PS – I know I am not supposed to pray over sports, and getting stuff, but could you, if you have a tiny bit of time and all, could you bless the Saints for me? I’m thinking I’m going to be an 80 year old woman in the nursing home, still waiting for a bid to the superbowl. I mean, seriously, how many other Football teams are name after your Dad’s minions?
My Dearest Lamb, Saintseester,
First of all, Elle is crazy. We all know this. And I don’t give her more than she can handle. She knows this. I just got sick and tired of her talking about her VAGINA all the time and I was just messing with her. Plus, I already blessed her with LEGIT kidneys! WHAT MORE DOES SHE WANT???? Take, take, take. How many times has she been to church recently?? Um…that’d be ZERO!!! WORSHIP ME, FOR DAD’S SAKE!!! Anyway, I know she loves me and we talk regularly. Shoot…sometimes, I let my cellie go to VOICEMAIL because I have an entire WORLD to listen to and she just kept blowing up my Blackberry Storm. Needy heffa. So, I took your letter into consideration and I had her doctor call her today and tell her that her CERVIX is DA BOMB and there is none of that stupid cancer (thanks, Satan) on her abnormal cells. Straight up now tell me.
Me on a bicycle,
Christ
PS – Girl. I already gave them their holy name. I’m a little chapped at them too because HELLO??? Ya’ll are the SAINTS!!! Plus, about ten years ago, I MIGHT have given them the Holy Football Play Book of God and WHO knows what in the HELL they did with that thing. IT WAS AN ONLY COPY!!!!!! I wash my hands.
Dear Jesus,
Will my baby be a boy or a girl?
I really need to know now because my Mother and many other people have gone on a baby-stuff buying frenzy and are buying things for whatever sex they are hoping for. It’s like a crazy baby-stuff lottery.
Am I gonna get any fatter? Seriously? I waddle and I have 5 months to go!
Will my kid be as beautiful or as wonderful as the darling Elle’s progeny?
Do you talk in all caps? I’m not sure I want the Jesus to yell at me.
In Your holy name via the lips of Elle the magnificent,
Lakia
Dear One with The Bun in the Proverbial Oven,
You’re only having one? Hmmm….I was thinking twins. Oh well, even I get stuff wrong now and then. Just kidding. I never get stuff wrong. LULZ! Anyway, I’m looking right now and the darn umbilical cord is covering the hoo hah. I hate when that happens (Satan). I would just tell everyone to BUY YELLOW crap and that way, you’re all good. Jungle theme is IN right now too. You can’t go wrong with Jungle Theme. Take it from Jesus.
As far as the fatter inquiry, um….yes. Yes you are. Did you know that Elle was 170 lbs when she gave birth? She’s 5′3″, for Dad’s sake!!! Talk about a water buffalo. Geez. I say don’t worry about the pounds you will gain because we all know that a little hard work and good plastic surgery will have you looking GOOD AS NEW in NO time!!! YAY!
And Dee and Maddie are the way they are because, as I said before, Elle is crazy. She’s like an Army Colonel up in this place!!! I sometimes pray to my DAD about her parenting ways but he just shushes me and says, “Watch and learn, My Son”. So, I guess she’s doing something right. Teach love, respect, kindness, laughter and The No No Square. That is the NO TOUCH ZONE for when boys take them on dates. Trust me. It works.
And I talk in ALL CAPS ALL THE DARN TIME!!! Elle totally bojangled that from me, by the way. As well as the word “bojangle”. Last time I play Gin Rummy with her and let my hair down. Thievin’ ho.
In My Name,
The Lord
Dear Jesus,
Should I try to stick it out for the 10 years and the social security and military spouse benefits or should I just back a truck up to this mother and leave this fool with some stale crackers and a salt shaker?
Thanks,
Tyra
Dear Ty-Babyface-ra,
First of all…you NEVER….EVER…EVER leave the salt shaker. EVER. We need that for margaritas. This is very important. And stale crackers are GREAT for feeding birds and stuff. Take those too. Let me just give you a little Jay Cee Wisdom, if I may.
He is a MAN.
You….are a WOMAN.
If people would just understand this, there would be no divorce. Men are simple, simple, SIMPLE creatures. Give them a remote and a bowl of Doritos and you won’t hear a PEEP out of them for days. Women, on the other hand, are the superior beings. You have to put up with MEN. Praise ME! That’s why ya’ll were made SECOND. My Dad was all lookin’ at Adam and he was like, “Hells no” and took one of his ribs and stuff and totally 2.0′d you. It was pretty sweet.
Let me know if he’s laying hands on you. I will totally put my hair up and get your back. Know this.
By the way, you’re so pretty. Has anyone told you that lately?
Oh…and benefits are completely overrated. We all know that YOU as a single woman can make it on your own. Seriously. Ask Elle.
Hit me up when you make your decision. We can go out for cocktails. I gots to go right now. Me and Tupac are writing some sweet butt rhymes. Kickin’ clouds, deuces!!!
Me Superstar,
Jay Cee
And Jesus??? Really. Stop sending me those ridiculous chain emails. I am not kidding.
Random Thought of the Day: Did I mention my cervix is DA BOMB??????
Much Love.
Filed under: Questions for Jesus.
I’ve been talking to Jesus. Moreso than usual considering the crap I’ve dealt with lately. He usually gives STELLAR advice and stuff and I find myself wishing I could share his wisdom with ya’ll. And he made a suggestion the other day….”Ye shall be my voice” or something like that.
So….send your unanswered questions to ME, via the gmail addy to your left, and I will forward to Jesus, seeing as he doesn’t give his email out to just ANYBODY and we be TIGHT like that and all. I hope this doesn’t FLOP like a big TURD, not unlike Beauty Questions from YEARS AGO which died a sad tiresome death, like my uterus. Remember, Jesus doesn’t have a problem breakin’ BAD on ANYONE and he tells it like it is. Tread lightly.
No test results yet. Boo.
Fuck this day. It can SERIOUSLY eat a dick.
14 days???? Why, yes. I’m still counting. HURRY UP!!
And this might be, quite possibly, the SHORTEST post in the history of my vagina. So sorry. I’ve got PRE CANCEROUS CELLS on my mind.
Send Jesus* an email…via ME!!! YAY!!!!!
Random Thought of the Day: Really? No. REALLY? AOL???? REALLY????
Much Love.
*Jesus disclaimer: For those of you that think that Jesus is really gonna be emailing you and you want to yell because you are a religious ZEALOT and you want to CRUCIFY me….pipe down and let me do this. Jesus loves us all. For real. Jesus doesn’t have an email. I repeat…JESUS DOESN’T HAVE AN EMAIL! Ya with me????? Good. Amen.
Filed under: My Uterus Can Eat a DICK!
I get up this morning, not ready for the day ahead. I get Maddie ready for her summer camp because GOD FORBID we miss a SWIM DAY up in this bitch!! I will tell you one thing….she got a haircut and I spent TWO HOURS SUNDAY flat ironing her HAIR and it STILL looked like a straight helmet on her head and NOT the soft glorious flowing mane like the hairdresser did it and I was pissed off! At ME for being a sorry ass HAIR FLAT IRONER!! And it pains me to see this child cry about her hair because she just wants to look like her sissy and THAT is NOT happening, folks. Maddie’s hair is tight curls. TIGHT. I try and reassure her that once she lets it REALLY grow out that she’ll be happier because the weight of it all will sort of straighten it (which I don’t know if that’s TRUE but it sounds DAMN good when you got NOTHING else to say) and she just wipes the tears off her pretty little face and says, “Yes ma’am” and we did it the best we could. I made her finally wash it today because A) it needed it and 2) I knew that once she went swimming, all bets were off on the STRAIGHT aspect of it and that she’d climb out the pool lookin’ like a completely different child and I didn’t need them to call Missing Persons on my baby because they didn’t believe the straight hair child going in was NOT the afro puffed child climbing OUT of the pool. I have a uterus to tend to, people. I was just NOT in the mood.
Delaney asked to go with me to my appointment and I told her “No” and I saw the look of hurt on her face as she turned away and I felt like a giant buck toothed DONKEY because I was being SELFISH and SCARED and I just didn’t want anyone to GO WITH ME! I deal with shit like this on my own. I know it’s not right but I just don’t know how to let people help. I’m as stubborn as they come.
I decided to let her join me. Against my better judgement AND the voices screaming in my head.
Here we are, in the room of Pain and Disappointment. Notice the privacy curtain. Notice I’m taking the picture from an angle. That’s because I’m already being a good patient and I’m “naked from the waist down” (which Dee wasn’t prepared for…OOPS!) and I have my silk robe….oh…wait a minute….budget cuts…..
….real nice. I have been given a scratchy paper sheet. Where the fuck is the KINDNESS, ya’ll??? Jesus!!! I mean, I TIDIED UP MY VAGINAL AREA for YOU the very LEAST you can do is give a bitch something SOFT to cover her lady bits up with. Oh the humanity.
But wait!!!! Serenity abounds!!!!!!
Oooooh!!! I’m looking at the SKY!!!!!!!! Thank GOD for this little added BONUS, people!! Because NOW, when you insert the cold unforgiving steel DUCK BILL APPARATUS into my shriveled up vaginal arena, I can look up, misty eyed, and pretend I’m lying in a fucking meadow of LOVE and I can smell flowers!!! Nice touch. I calmed down after I discovered this beauty.
OOOOH!! LOOK!!! We gots STIRRUPS, ya’ll!! YEE HAW!!!!!
Dee was MORTIFIED when I put my foot in there and she’s like, “What are you DOING, mother??” and I said, “Baby…that’s what it’s for” and her mouth was agape and no words came. I guess I need to teach her more better. Or whatever. And please notice that my previous BURNT leg has now become a sweet ass TAN and HOLLA! My toes be did. I’m thoughtful like that.
And directly in front of me thumbtacked to the wall was this glorious poster of cervical literature:
Hmmm….”Unaided Visual Inspection of the Cervix”. From the University of Zimbabwe. SWEET!!! Just what I want to look upon when I’m scared shitless about cervical CANCER is a PICTURE OF IT!!!! Way to NOT go, doctors. Way to not go. I’m pissed because I SO want my cervix to look like the top LEFT one and NOT the bottom LEFT one. FINGERS CROSSED!!!
Then….Dee spied this lovely piece of equipment in the corner:
….and said, “Wow! Are those the binoculars they are gonna use when they look into your vagina?” Yeah. Because my vaginal canal is eight miles long and they need to REALLY look for my cervix, honey. Binoculars. Pffft. I wanted to be offended but I couldn’t because I was kinda laughing kinda hard. She then said, “Do your scared face mom!!”
And yes…that is my sundress above my head because a bitch can’t even get a HOOK on the BACK OF A DOOR TO HANG HER SHIT!!!!! I’m writing a letter to SOMEONE. I don’t know WHO yet but it’s happenin’.
Then she wanted my sad face:
If it weren’t for the fact that you can see up my NOSE, I think I’d look pretty cute. I must do something about my nostrils, people. They are outta control. Notice, again, the TAN of LOVE! Makes getting third degree burns over 1/3 of your body almost worthwhile. YAY FOR DARK TANNING OIL!
Ok…so the doctor comes in and she uses the same weak ass analogy that she used last time about “Cells are, pardon the pun, like ice cream. There might be 31 different kinds and we are trying to find the bad ones” or some shit. And HOW is that a PUN??? I should yank your medical license out your ass, woman. I don’t have time for bad comparisons when I’m lying here under this scratchy MESS you call a SHEET and my 16 year old is in the room ready to WITNESS this shit!! JUST BIOPSY ME and LET ME GO GET SOME FRENCH TOAST!!!!
I do give her credit though because when she was “doing me” (ha.), she explained every step so Dee would understand and she even answered questions for her. Now, Dee is up at my head so understand that she did NOT see my splayed open vaginal homicide that was going on. All she sees is a sheet with my knees up in stirrups. But what she DOES see are all the various instruments being passed to the doctor. And they are NOT pretty.
Like this shiny bad boy right here:
Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you The Speculum. Or as I like to call it “Oh Hell No You Better Get A Smaller One For This Vagina”. And I think I speak for all women when I say Um Fuck This Noise. It’s not….BAD. But it’s not GOOD either. Just….odd. First of all, shit that goes into my vagina is usually warm, fleshy and attached to a man OR man-made with nubs on it and NOT freezing cold. Ya with me???? Good. And I know there is SOMEONE out there that can EASILY invent a motherfucking WARMER for these cro-magnon appliances and you better do it quick because if I come out of this bullshit unscathed, I am going to DEMAND my shit be warm next time I get a pap smear. We don’t ask for much, men. Really. And when you get that shit shoved into your penis, you can have a say in the matter…..deal?
Anyway, I was a bit pleased because once she had me all jacked open and her “binoculars” on, it was clear she had located my cervix without trouble and I kept hearing these sweet words….
“Oh wow….so far it’s looking beautiful in here.”
…and…
“Nice lookin’ cervix, Elle. Really. I’m not seeing anything negative.”
(sweet!)
…and….
“I’m thoroughly pleased with this so far.”
….and….in true Elle fashion, I started getting excited and stuff and then she said, “I need to biopsy at 1 o’clock” which I guess was a latitude and longitude of a ROGUE cell or something and she said, “Ok…you’ll feel this” and OOOOOOH….pinchy not so nice, bitch!!! I could have SWORN she had put her entire hand around my cervix and TUGGED but whatever. It was over soon enough. Or so I thought. She then stuck a scope UP IN MY CERVIX and took another sample at 11 o’clock.
That’s it. Two samples. All in all, my cervix was “pretty”, or so she said and I was happy about that. All I do know is that I’m still frightened because really….she took two samples. Which means there were two “iffy” spots.
I will know in about a week.
After she left the room, I got up and WIPED MY CROTCH with their DEATH SHEET and raised it to Heaven….triumphant and whatnot. I looked over at Dee and she was crying. Full out, tears flowing, couldn’t understand WHAT she was saying at ALL, crying. I hugged her and asked what was wrong and all I could get out was that the ENTIRE thing scared the shit out of her. The whole “someone touching my vagina” shit that is entailed with being a woman and going to an OB/GYN freaked her out. I assured her that when the time came that she had to go that I would gladly hold her hand if she wanted. No….that was NOT happenin’, she told me.
Regardless, it was an ok morning. Dee took me to breakfast and now I’m at home, fixin’ to crack a beer open at 3pm because I fucking CAN because I have CRAMPS and I’m being a WHINY BABY!!! I LOVE IT!!!!
OH!!! AND PRINCESS SENT ME FLOWERS!!!
When I first saw it, I was like, “HOW FUCKING COOL IS THIS SHIT??? A BEAR HUMPING A VASE!!!”
Apparently, it’s a Bear Hug bouquet. MY BAD!!! What’s funny is that when I sent Princess a picture of it, she said, “It looks like he’s humping the vase” and hell if I didn’t just wanna reach through my phone and FIST THUMP HER!!! The best part was the card, which says:
“Spike, You are the most amazing woman I know and those abnormal cells can just eat a dick. I love you so much! SLICK”
Fuck yes they can.
Thank you, mama. So much.
I need to go poop. And my belly feels bloated. So maybe it’s just gas or something, I don’t know but I feel 3 months pregnant. Ugh. I think that calls for the first Pop a Top of Beer.
Remember…..fingers crossed.
Please.
Random Thought of the Day: It’s NOT a game show. Sheesh.
Much Love.
Filed under: Category? What's this bullshit?
*sigh*
So much shit going on right now. I don’t even know where to start. But I will warn you….this shit is gonna be depressing or HATE INDUCING or HOLY FUCK CAN’T THIS BITCH CHEER UP but really? I give you what I got. You all know this.
Shall we? Let’s……
~I am in love. Now….before you start thinking “Well this ain’t so bad”, I will tell you that it’s beautiful. Fulfilling. Mind boggling. And I’m scared shitless. I’m sure I’ll just fuck it up like I do other relationships I’ve been in. And I don’t mean to sound so….doubting…but damn….a bitch needs to catch a break and I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop because it really IS the story of my life. All I do know is that it’s not forced. He makes me think. He makes me want to be a better person. He absolutely adores the ground I walk on yet also tells me when I’ve gone too far. He leaves me love notes. He took it upon himself to install a new washer and dryer for me because, and I quote, “I don’t want you to have to worry about shit like that”. Because, truth be told, I was gonna let those fuckers sit in my garage until I got off my ass and bought a house because Sissy gave them to me and they are only a year old and as long as I HAD them, it’s all good. But no. I came home from work and he had done DID that SHIT himself. He loves my kids. And more importantly….they love him right back. Anyway….enough of this mushy bullshit. Ack.
~I wasn’t going to spill THESE beans but you know me…big mouth and all. I’m studying for a REALLY big test. A REALLY big test. To be registered at what I do. I hope to take it before the end of the year and all I have to say is that I SUCK ASS AT PHYSICS and I want to KICK WALLS when I study and I get frustrated because REALLY???? Do I NEED to know this shit????? Ugh. I can talk your ear off, up down side to side about the human body but when I have to explain how the technology all works??? Not so much fun. And I’ll NEVER have to take this test again EVER but I will have you know, it’s like THREE hours long and they have MONITOR PEOPLE in there and I have to show ID and stuff and that just makes it even MORE STRESSFUL and FUCK I just want to scream. In closing for this rant, I will ask that you be a little patient because I might come on here and REALLY cuss….like A LOT more than USUAL and even though I know you guys LOVE that, it may be a little too septic to swallow. You’ve been warned. Oh…and pray for a bitch. Really. OH. And if any of you motherfuckers in the tri-state area (don’t know if that applies…I just always wanted to SAY THAT) know some PHYSICS and you’d like to tutor me for say….FREE….email a hooker. For real.
~Without going into TOO much detail…mainly because I’m a little scared or whatever….I have to have a biopsy tomorrow. Let’s just say my UTERUS is acting up and is in CAHOOTS with my CERVIX and even though I have had my tubes tied AND my uterus ABLATED and she’s nothing but a burnt out barren playground at this point, I’ve had…..um….issues as of late. As in bleeding and stuff. Which I shouldn’t have, being ablated and all. SOOOOOOOOOOO…..I had some tests done and the word on the street is “abnormal cells” or whatever and I just might be going in tomorrow to have some of them snipped off my cervix and they MIGHT be being tested for cancer or something. I took the day off work because SERIOUSLY??? Um no. I will NOT be feeling well enough to deal with all the BULLSHIT going on there. I plan on coming home and watching Little House on the Prairie for six hours straight. I love me some Nellie Olsen. Keep a bitch in your thoughts. If you feel so inclined. And I don’t even know how to end this because I mean….what do you say??? Really. So…yeah. MOVE ALONG MOVE ALONG NOTHING TO SEE HERE!!!
~I feel a little DIRTY because when I was “taking a nap” on the couch, in a sundress, and my boob popped out and my eyes were closed and then I felt something WET on my NIPPLE and I opened my eyes and the BABY DOG was standing on two hind legs and she was LICKING MY NIPPLE…..how does one recover from that????? I don’t even know what to add to this but I will say….I have a Gay Dog…a Deaf Dog…and a Nipple Licking Bandit dog. Shoot me now. I can’t even look on her now. Whore.
~I hate these fucking fish.
Fingers crossed, ya’ll. I’ll update tomorrow because I’m sure there is going to be something spectacularly HYSTERICAL happening tomorrow when my naked snatch is up in some stirrups in a fake silk robe (for my comfort, of course) and the doctor is CUTTING MY CERVIX with a TOOL OF SORTS that I’m SURE WILL BE ICE COLD!
Can’t wait. Yay!
Random Thought of the Day: God. It is what it is.
Much Love.
Filed under: Category? What's this bullshit?, Georgia on my mind., Georgia...JO JA!
Dear Sissy….
I love you dearly but I am not helping you move EVER again for at LEAST the next 10 years. I love my toes too damn much. I appreciate the pedicure afterwards….I really do….because NOTHING in this world makes me sadder than having jacked up scaly ass fucked up DRY feet with a fucked up French. Well, maybe the fact that you INJURED me when you pulled that fucking wooden bed frame (antique…..1876 or some shit…so you KNOW that shit is NOT particle board but a damn TREE carved into a square frame) across my right pinky toe and I fell to the Earth, screaming and writhing and shedding REAL ass tears and stuff. And I know you want to point the finger at ME and PLACE blame and shit because I totally wore some cute ass flip flops because, I’m sorry…..I wear tennis shoes ALL week long and shit and my PIGGIES needed to BREATHE and SAY HI TO JESUS because THEY ARE CUTE so stop that nonsense RIGHT NOW! I give you Exhibit A:
Tragic…I know. I was thinking toe amputation right off the bat because it was SPURTING BLOOD and there was a PIECE OF SKIN hanging off there but THANK GOD for my quick thinking or whatever because I immediately did surgery in the sink of her new house and pulled that DEAD SKIN OFF with my pretty nails and then I stopped the bleeding by “holding pressure” on the wound and I think I saved my toe from DEATH!! It hurts to wear a sock and I almost think I need crutches because I kinda limp now and it’s not pretty. But THANK THE LORD that I didn’t chip a nail. Thank. God.
In closing, thanks for letting me jump in your pool with all my clothes on Day Two of the Move From Hell. Oh…wait…you weren’t there when I did that. I’m just kidding. I totally didn’t funk up your pool with my swamp ass. I just put my feet in. Swear. I think I ACCIDENTALLY fell off the first step though and I KINDA submerged but it was a total accident. Oh…and thanks for the beer. Oh…and your shit is HEAVY. WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU BUY FURNITURE????!?!?!? Satan’s House of Brimstone and Ottomans???????!?!?!?!?!? Oh…and I hate your fucking 456 inch flat screen BIG ASS TV that I shoved into Ruby’s ASS. I know it’s pretty to WATCH and stuff but that bitch was NOT pretty to move. I pulled a butt muscle because for SOME REASON, I was the one that had to climb in the back of my car and PULL and I know you have a bad fucking ankle and stuff and have had “surgery” and “rehab” and “pain” but I really think that’s NO damn excuse. Oh…and I’m bruised. OH! And for the LAST time….don’t let me lay in the sun with Dark Tanning Oil on my WHITE GIRL ASS ever AGAIN!! We have been over this. My entire FRONT is BURNT a nice sangria hue and my entire BACK is WHITE. Because I forgot to flip. AND I HAVE A TRIANGLE RED SPOT on my STOMACH because, apparently I slouch when sitting and my TITTIES sagged down on either side of my belly button ring and created some sort of MAKESHIFT SUNSCREEN!!! Hideous.
I love you.
Peace.
Elle
In other news, OH MY SHIT CAN IT JUST BE JUNE 24TH UP IN THIS BITCH????????? Why in the FUCK can’t I fast forward???? I need a vacation!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the FUCKED up thing is that while I’m IN Georgia for two weeks, that shit is gonna FLY by and I’m gonna be pissed off even MORESO than USUAL!!! I just want to breathe. I just want to wake up to fresh coffee and girlfriend conversation with feet hiked up on the table. I just want to laugh. I just want to introduce Princess to these WOMEN that have ALREADY planned a SURPRISE for her because they love her. All because I do. I just want some boiled peanuts and a scramble dog or five. I just want to not think about anything else for TWO weeks except how much my heart loves that place. I just want to FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, show Princess the fucking Chattahoochee River….because that would give her more joy than anything at this point.
28 days. Tick fucking Tock.
Alright…I gotta go pee and look upon my FUCKED up sunburn once again. It sucks having big ol’ titties.
Just kidding…..that shit rocks.
Random Thought of the Day: I don’t want to go to Brazil. Or any other place in South Africa. ~my nail technician
Much Love.
Filed under: Letters from Elle
Dear Purple Laptop,
Hasta la vista, WHORE! Come tomorrow, your sorry ass is gonna be BACK in a box (unless someone wants this piece of shit CHEAP…CHEAP I TELL YA) and sent back to the sorry ass factory in Bangladesh that you came from. I’ve been patient. I’ve touched your soft sweet purple head and told you that I’d wait forever for you. Well fuck all that jazz, missy. I’ve had JUST about efuckingnough with you and mama is spent. When I called the help desk FROM MY JOB and tried to get…oh…I don’t know….HELP….the stupid bitch on the other end was all “Zu need to call ven zu are in vront of your laptop so ve can diagnose the problem” and I said, “I CAN TELL YOU WHAT THE PROBLEM IS!! THE CD DRIVE DOESN’T WORK!” and she continued to speak to me in HORRIBLE English about “Vell ve still need zu to call ven zu are by the laptop so ve can diagnose the problem” and HOLY FUCK at this point, I put the phone to my crotch and let her talk to my vagina, which is what I do when I’m completely pissed off at idiots on the phone and it gave me such GREAT SATISFACTION knowing that she was mumbling into my lasered vagina. It really did. Anyway, I’m thinking Mac. The commercials do get me all excited and the young brown haired guy is kinda sexy in a geek kinda way and I don’t think he’d steer me wrong. In fact, I think he loves me. So…fuck you DELL! Fuck you up your sawed off dirty asshole. I hope you enjoy the big turd I’m shitting on the laptop before I seal the box because NOTHING in this world at this point in my life would give me MORE pleasure than to see your faces when you jimmy open that box and see my SHIT on top of the PIECE OF SHIT YOU SOLD ME! Goodbye and Good Riddance, cuntwaffle.
Love,
Elle
Dear Cell Phone Provider,
I realize that it’s a “third party charge” and I realize there ain’t SHIT you can do for me but I just want to get this out in the open and off my pretty little chest and say TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS??? REALLY????? I’m sorry Maddie didn’t realize that when she texted “YES” to “The Daily Horoscope” and “Two Way Traffic Updates” and “My Pretty Pony” that it actually cost MONEY to do so. Try TEN DOLLARS a MONTH……17 fucking times!!!!!!! And the KICKER??? My billing cycle started TWO DAYS AGO and I’m NOT a happy fucking camper that THAT TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS will be on next month’s bill as well. Hey…thanks for the 80 BUCKS you credited to my account but honestly? Fuck you. FUCK YOU and FUCK YOU AGAIN because I pay you a pretty fucking penny every month to have this GODFORSAKEN BLACKBERRY bullshit and HALF the fucking time, my shit locks up and messages disappear and PEOPLE DON’T GET EMAILS FROM ME THAT AREN’T a BUNCH OF GOBBLYDEE GOOK (I’m lookin’ on YOU, Princess…..DeNiro to Stiller Fingers to EYES, my girl) and ya THINK ya MIGHT have maybe CALLED A BITCH OR SOMETHING????? Verizon, my ASS. I didn’t see a NETWORK OF RANDOM MOTHERFUCKERS at my DOORSTEP WHEN THIS SHIT WAS GOING DOWN!!!!! Fucking liars. I’ll have you KNOW that I had to dip into my GEORGIA FUND to pay 300 dollars of a 500 dollar BILL and I’m a LITTLE bent sideways because of it. Fucking fucking FUCKING pissed. Make note of it. And Maddie? Yeah. I love you. And for the first time in your 11 years, I grounded you. As much as it hurt me to do so, there is a lesson to be learned and BY GOLLY, you’re gettin’ LEARNT! No computer. No Phone. For a week. And you will clean my house. As in “mop” and “dust” and “sweep up dog hair”. You know…stuff I don’t NORMALLY do. I love you, my girl. But DAMN….really???? Horoscope? Traffic tips? I’m at a loss. So, in closing…eat a dick, Verizon. And you stupid ass commercials that LURE INNOCENT CHILDREN TO DO YOUR BIDDING!!! It’s like Satanic advertising and I’m fed the FUCK UP. Die in a fire.
Toodles,
Elle
Dear Abnormal Cells on my Cervix,
Eat me.
In Jesus’ Name,
Elle
Dear Deaf Dog,
It’s called “shitting”. You’ve been doing it for 4 years. I believe it’s time that you realized it’s NOT Armageddon every time you hunch your back up into the “dog poop position” and you squat walk across the entire yard, constantly looking back over your shoulder at the FECES that is escaping your bunghole and you FREAK THE FUCK OUT for 10 minutes while trying to push a turd out your ass. It’s what we do. We poop. I sit and watch you and just shake my head because REALLY??? You’re SCARED???? And the next time you look in my direction for GUIDANCE, I’m fixin’ to hop outta my chair, squat next to you, and take a big ass crap in 3.2 seconds without MOVING AT ALL just so you can SEE that the SHIT is NOT GOING TO HURT YOU!!! SHIT IS YOUR FRIEND!!! Just stand still…hunch UP…and SQUEEZE THE DOOKIE OUT!!!! And for the love of Christ, you need to stop eating HAIR or something because when it looks like your poop is magically floating out your BUTT and hanging in MIDAIR, something is not right. You need Jesus. Oh…and seriously? Next time I have to wake up at 5:30 in the morning and come downstairs to Poopapalooza in your kennel and matted SHIT all over your ASS HAIR, I will NOT be outside with a cup of coffee, a hose and a purpose. I’ve done scrubbed your butt fur with a sponge and Palmolive for the LAST TIME! I am not kidding.
Smooches,
Elle
Random Thought of the Day: It’s ok to tell someone you love them everyday.
Much Love.
