Filed under: Crazy Ass Dogs
I know the continuing saga of “How Hot is Elle’s Car” has left all of you on the edge of your seats and I’m TOTALLY sure that you all can’t WAIT for another installment of THAT because, hey…that’s quality blog material right there but I must stray from the intensity of that for just a second and show you just WHAT the FUCK I had to fucking be witness to yesterday in the eve of our Lord as I drank of the sweet nectar known as Coors Light:
Now….don’t be all teary eyed at the can of beer….nor the pile of leaves…but feast your eyes on the shit in the center of the picture. What is it, you ask? Hmm…is it a buffalo chicken wing? Or a pile of DOG VOMIT that I saw propel itself out of Deaf Dog’s GUT, up her throat and OUT her mouth???? Why YES…it’s fucking puke.
I’m sorry the picture is out of focus JUST a little but I was dry heaving and holding my crotch and too busy PISSING on myself to worry about “holding camera phone steady” and “getting quality picture for the masses”. My fucking bad.
I sat watching her fuck with something in the yard and I was wondering “WHAT THE EFF is she doing” because she was shaking her head back and forth like she had ants all over her face or some shit, then she was digging like there was some motherfuckin’ truffles or some shit buried out there, then she was GNAWING on something and I was like, “What the fuck ever, Deaf Dog” because I was TIRED and was NOT getting up to investigate.
About ten minutes later, after her feast of death, she came wobbling up to where I was lounging and she kind of fell over under my chair, like she was spent or some shit. I wasn’t worried because HEY…I like to fall over after I feast on good stuff, especially gravy or whatever.
I was on the phone with Grill Guy and I look over because she had gotten up and had walked over to the back door and her little back was convulsing and I said, “Dude…my dog is gonna puke” and GG said, “Oh shit” or something like that and the next thing you know, THAT MONSTROSITY shot itself OUT of her MOUTH like a fucking ROCKET of SLIME and HONESTLY DOG!!! Could you NOT have walked your ASS out into the YARD instead of putting it as a VOMIT BARRIER by my back door to insure me NOT going back into the house FOREVERMORE??????
I started dry heaving while GG laughed his ass off and I was like, “I have to take a picture I’ll gsdfslkdjfsdjfsdfsd you back lskdflksdfjsdkf in a lsdkfjlsdflsd few minfsdfljsdjtes” and I hung up and snapped a picture. I then took a broom and SWEPT that shit off the back porch and I swear to GOD it disintegrated into thin air once it hit the dirt and it’s really hard to use a broom with one hand because the other is holding my VAGINA closed because when I HEAVE? Yeah…I pee.
It left a trail of slime and goo and dirty leaves in its wake and I still have no idea what she dug the fuck up and ingested but she seems no worse for the wear and I BET her ass won’t eat that shit again. I mean, I thought gnawing on the crotch of my thongs was the nastiest shit I’d seen these dogs do but I can NOT take vomit, let alone DOG vomit and I think about that fateful ten minutes last night and my stomach clenches up and I pee a little.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.
/dog rant
BIG FAT ASS OH NO YOU DI’INT WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT FAST FOOD RESTAURANT YOU RUNNIN’ HERE, MISTER!!!! EDIT: All I wanted was a sweet iced tea from McD’s because let’s be honest….I only had ONE DOLLAR in CHANGE and their LARGE SWEET TEA is ONE DOLLAR and I needed something cold for the drive home, seeing as it’s hotter than Satan’s fart up in this hot ass desert and so I count my change, pay the pimply kid, pull forward to collect my JUICE and the man hands me a large sweet tea alright and he says, “Now…you know there’s no ice, right?” and I said, “What the fuck you MEAN there’s no ice?” and he looked bothered that I said the F WORD but SHIT……..MY WINDOW is DOWN AND HOT AIR is blowing in my FACE, along with the stench of fry grease and sadness and he said, “We have no ice today.” Um….excuse me? Are you fucking KIDDING ME??? WHO DOESN’T HAVE ICE in ARIZONA?????? Apparently the only McD’s CLOSE TO ME AND I WANTED TO STRANGLE HIM and I said, “Why didn’t Pablo tell me that when I ordered the fucking thing?” and he looked scared and I totally swear the kids name was Pablo so don’t think I’m being racist or some shit because I am TOTALLY not but it’s PABLO’S JOB TO INFORM ME OF THIS because when I get to the pick-up window and you hand me a LARGE HOT MOTHERFUCKING ICED TEA, I’m gonna lose my fucking SHIT all over this motherfucker!!!! He then said, “Hold on” and he ran around the corner out of my sight and then came back and said, “Ok…there’s ice now” and handed me my tea and it had about ten ice cubes in it, QUICKLY MELTING because HELLO????? IT WAS STEAMING HOT! If it weren’t for the fact that it only cost me a dollar, I’d have asked for my money back and shit but DAMN, PEOPLE!!! NO ICE??? Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME????? I was just at the mall with Sissy and I HATE THE MALL and Sissy LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVES the fucking mall so after two hours of browsing for NOTHING and having to pee and then, if my mall experience could NOT get any worse, THIS,my friends,is the STALL that I waited TEN FUCKING MINUTES for and I can assure you, I made my disdain known because I heard people laughing. No lie….look at this shit:
If I would have liked to SIT down and piss, which I don’t at a public restroom where germs run rampant but if I had LIKED to sit down, I couldn’t because I would have sliced my precious ass to shreds on the Porcelain of DEATH and YES…that is SHIT in there with toilet paper that the dirty whore before me didn’t check or double flush and I had to bear witness to that shit as I pissed standing up….like a man….The End. I hate the fucking mall. I had to go to WalMart today for essentials, like TOILET PAPER and SOAP but I just came home from the mall and WalMart can eat a dick today and I will just keep taking the toilet paper with me around my neck on a chain like I’ve been doing because I’m down to my last 50 sheets or so and you never know when a bitch has to piss. Fuck this heat. I wonder if I can do a drive by swim at my old house???? Just run through the back gate, jump in, scream a little bit and run back to my car like a crazy woman. Fun times. I’m gonna go take a cold shower. Fucking bullshit. Well, at least my pedicure is HOT SHIT!!!!! Check it:
And yes, Georgia Bulldogs flip floppers. GO DAWGS!!!! And honestly, I want to suck my own toes. They ARE….THAT cute. Peace in the Middle EAST! And please, ladies? Get your toes DID!!!
Oh…and here’s a pic of The Grill Guy and my fine self:
That’s right, peeps. I’m dating a smiley face. Don’t rush me. Oh! And my shirt says, “A Little Blonde Goes A Long Way”. Don’t fucking hate.
Random Thought of the Day: I don’t wanna fall in love. Love cuts just like a knife. You make that knife feel good. I’ll fight you ’til the end. ~Jane Child
Much Love.
Filed under: Category? What's this bullshit?
Holy fuck, people. I’m not kidding. And, seriously? I’m fucking sorry but THIS has GOT to be the temp IN my FUCKING car because I KNOW for a FACT that it was NOT this hot on Tuesday. Trust me. I go to WeatherChannel.com and I KNOW it was like 109 or some shit. Look at this DEATH:
And SERIOUSLY? I am RIGHT on this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was NOT 127 in this town!!!! I promise you this!!!! Let the contest COMMENCE, my bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ONE. Twenty. FUCKING. SEVEN. KILL ME.
I had a towel over my steering wheel this day because I was on the VERGE of taking oven mitts to work just for the purpose of DRIVING HOME without having to use one finger of EACH hand!!! IT’S THAT….FUCKING….HOT!
Well, at least until Jesus sent the rain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
It was a sweet ass 83 in my car tonight when I climbed in her to drive home.
83!!!!!!
Thank you, Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let’s forget about the fact that people in this town think “rain” is “ACID RAIN” and they can’t drive and I see them crying in their cars when there are PUDDLES and shit and the HAZARD lights are on and I’m zooming by, full bird in FULL EFFECT and CUSSING PROFUSELY while I leave them in my WAVE OF DEATH because, I LIVED IN A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY FOR THREE YEARS and this BITCH can drive in some fucking RAIN!!!! Idiots. And this town was NOT built for FLOODING and streets close and there are these things called BARRICADES that I turn my nose up at and plow through (just kidding, Mr. Law Enforcement….I totally don’t wanna get washed away by a FLOOD of rainwater and shit. I have BEER to drink. Trust me.) and it’s completey INSANE when it fucking RAINS HERE!
I got a text from Maddie today:
“Mama…the power went out.”
I wrote back:
“Read a book. Knit something. Play Parcheesi. You’re gonna live.”
Then she wrote back:
“It came back on but now it went out again.”
I replied:
“Hey….here’s a thought….go clean your room. YAY!”
She said:
“Yes ma’am”
Needless to say, the house was spotless today!!! THANKS, JESUS!!!!!!! I love POWER OUTS!!!! Or whatever they are called!!!
I’m getting ready for the 4th of Ju-fucking-ly. Hell yesssssssssssssssss. The Grill Guy (OH EM GEE WE HAVE A SECOND DATE STOP THE PRESSES) and I are going to a BBQ of LOVE and we will swim and make Ugly Steaks on the grill and MAYBE….just MAYBE….he’ll slap my ass when I walk by him in my sexy swim suit. Let’s keep our fingers crossed!!!!!! But whatever….he’s just a guy that bought a grill for himself and left it at my house ON THE SLIM CHANCE he’d be BACK or whatever. And he comments on my blog now. And he has half a brain. And a nice mouth and stuff. Whatever. BOYS SUCK!!!!!!! DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little bit o’ RANDOM:
I bought two new swimsuits and I will show you when they come in how FUCKING CUTE THEY ARE! YAY for CLEARANCE SALE at Victoria’s SECRET DOT COM!!!!
My deaf dog has a piece of shit stuck to her ass. It’s been there for two weeks. I can’t pull it off lest I vomit.
Gay Dog is a daddy. We are the proud parents of 3 puppies. She had 5 in her but GOD DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED on the 4th one getting stuck in the BIRTH CANAL and BENDING in HALF, therefore TRAPPING the FIFTH one in a Uterus of HELL and it was 2 hours before the MOTHER of the BITCH could get her to a VET and they BOOPED OUT! I am sad about it all. I get pick of the LIT, peeps! I wanted to name her Cap’n Snappy and put a pirate patch on her eye but Dee told me “um….NO.” so her name is Myla and FUCK SHE IS CUTE. Pics forthcoming, henceforth. She is all black with white boots. LOVE HER.
I still think my toe is broken.
I have a HUMONGOID zit on my chin. It feels like I’m smuggling a small child in there. Ow.
Brachial. Basilic. Cephalic. Fuck me. I hate learning.
Can you WASH your TAINT, BITCH? Seriously.
I love stuff.
OH!!!! I was high on Starbuck’s TODAY!!! FUCK YES!
I can’t stop smiling. WHY? Um….no idea.
Um…I bought a LipSmackers Lip Gloss….flavor??? Why, yes….I will tell you. CHERRY COKE. My lips are having an orgasm as I type this. I am not kidding. Walgreen’s. Two for Three bucks. GET IT RIGHT GET IT TIGHT.
God Bless the Broken Road….that led me straight to you. Seriously.
I gotta pee. And I’m out of toilet paper. What’s a girl to do??????????
I will use a towel. The End.
Random Thought of the Day: Mom…you just killed the ghetto. ~Dee
Much Love.
Um….I totally feel extra special crispy coated dumbass because it has been brought to my attention that the temperature thingymajigger in my car is actually recording the OUTSIDE temperature and um…yeah….<insert donkey ears here>. But I’d like to refute that because honestly…? I KNOW it ain’t 121 up in this bitch on days my shit read “121 HAHA DIE ELLE” when I climbed in the car!!! IT MUST be the INSIDE temperature!! IT MUST, I TELL YOU!!!!
Someone tell me I’m right. Please. For the love of JC.
I know, that when I climb up into Ruby and I burn two layers of skin AND a pair of scrub pants off my precious white powdery ass that it MUST be 121 IN THE CAR!!! Think about it for just a second….please!!!
What’s that? Oh…I’m STILL wrong???
Dammit.
Ok, fuck it. We are still doing the contest, IRREGARDLESS (and I know that’s not a word but I will use it henceforth amen bojangle workboot.), someone is getting a fucking mug up in this bitch so keep those guesses coming!!! I figured I will let this commence until July 31st. If there are duplicate guesses, which…come on….I seriously DOUBT that shit because I only have my “regulars” here and ya’ll can read and keep track and shit and NOT duplicate someone else and shit but in the RARE chance that one does, first person that guessed that number will REIGN SUPREME when they DRINKETH of their JOE in the early morning and stare at the wonder that is….the BatB mug. Tear….drip….splash, people. Pour some for the homies.
I tried the “Don’t Put The Sunshade Up” today and guess what??? Someone and I’m NOT pointing any fingers, JESUS, but SOMEONE thought it FUNNY to make CLOUDS and shit in the sky today so it was overcast and whatnot and so that whole recipe for disaster backfired on a bitch. Way to ruin a bitch’s fun, Lord. Just sayin’.
Did I tell ya’ll my daughter is DRIVING me around TOWN??? It’s like I’m rich but without all the money and stuff. I love it. Well, I don’t love the people cutting her off and I have to NOT cuss and stuff NOR do I like having to reset my presets and shit when it’s my turn to drive NOR do I like this whole GAS PRICE RAPE of AUGHT 8 OR the fact that I backed into a mailbox (IT WAS IN MY BLIND SPOT) and I scraped Ruby’s ASS and I can’t even look on her passenger backside anymore because it makes me SAD and I HURT for her and stuff and OH…did I MENTION my $1000 DEDUCTIBLE??? ELL OH FUCKING ELL! Fucking bullshit. I’m taking her to the body shop tomorrow and hoping that one of the mechanics thinks I’m hot or something and will hook me up for a case of Miller Lite and a smile. I doubt it but a bitch can try and OH I WILL because while he’s back there, ASSESSING the DAMAGE, I will casually yawn and pop open the back of my ‘Nox and say, “Well well well….what do we have here??? Is this….BEER? And imagine this…I don’t even DRINK this brand!!! What’s a girl to do with all this BEER SHE WON’T DRINK?” and I will give the “finger point wink” at him and I think it will totally work. Place your bets.
Speaking of Bojanglin’ a mechanic, don’t forget that the 3rd installment of the SWMHC is happening in FULL EFFECT on the weekend of July 25-27th. You bitches be CRAZY and come on out and slam a lemon drop and listen to the wonder that is my voice as I sing karaoke and the masses gather around in jealousy. That or they just want to throw stuff at me. Whichever.
We MIGHT even take a cab home and fight someone. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! OH A GIRL CAN DREAM!!!
In other news, Maddie bought this sweet ass purse with her OWN MONEY she earned for doing things like “cleaning her room” and “making mama’s bed” and “feeding the dogs”. I will steal it when the cock crows thrice on a windy summer’s night:
Seriously???? Who doesn’t want a fucking BACON AND EGG SMILEY FACE OF LOVE purse?????????? I DO!!!! I covet that (sorry, Jesus….breaking yet ANOTHER commandment) damn thing every time I see her fling it up on her little shoulder and I KNOW I can go buy my OWN but I don’t wanna be a copycat so I will bide my time and wait for that sweet purse to be discarded on her closet floor….forgotten and sad. It will then be MINE!!!!! Target….if ya’ll wanna know.
Alright….I’m out like a pig snout.
Random Thought of the Day: Bitch, please! I wouldn’t have sex with him if he were the last man on Earth AND he was pissing Coors Light! Word. ~Me
Much Love.
It’s hard for me to believe that my baby is a teenager. It really is. I look at her and still see that sweet little girl that used to hug me for no reason and squeeze my arm constantly when I carried her on my hip. That sweet little girl that never wanted to be away from me. That sweet little girl that trusted me and loved me and thought I was the smartest, coolest, prettiest mom on the block.
Now, I’m lucky if she hugs me for no reason. I’m lucky if she calls me out of the blue to talk about a problem. I’m lucky to have a conversation with her.
I’m sure that will all change and shit now because I have a VEHICLE and my BABY just got her DRIVER’S PERMIT!!! OH EM GEE SHE’S DRIVING RUBY!!!
I took this picture then promptly buckled up and took a deep breath and HELD it for TEN MINUTES UNTIL I WAS BLUE IN THE FACE because SHE DROVE MY CAR and I didn’t YELL or ANYTHING and she didn’t hit anyone or anything and she ACTUALLY turned the RADIO DOWN so she could CONCENTRATE “on the road” and she even used her BLINKERS and let people MERGE without cussing like I DO and when we got to our destination, she even PARKED straight!!!! SWEET JESUS I have a PERSONAL DRIVER NOW! I feel so RICH!!!!!!
Do you even feel my joy? DO YOU??????
It outweighs the “Holy fuck I’m old as dirt” feeling that I have though because, um…hello? I have a TEEN with a permit!!!! Wow. I should be crying (which I totally did cry and stuff but I’m over it) all the time and wiping tears of sadness away as I cling to her ankles like a crazy woman and holler, “STOP THIS GROWING UP BULLSHIT AND HUG ME” as she drags me around the house trying to kick me loose.
Jeez Louise.
Ok….the contest is still underway. The “How Hot Will Elle’s Car Get and Maybe I Will Win The Superprize” contest. I give you…..lunchtime on Wednesday:
I want you to know that I had my fucking SUNSHADE up too!!! But no worries…..after a minute of COLD AIR blowing at my burning face and HOLY fuck I hate leather seats while I’m at it, this is what I get:
A balmy 121.
What I didn’t take a picture of was my ASS after I burned it on the SEAT!!!! FUCK LEATHER!!!!!
I decided to do an experiment and next week, for ONE day and ONE DAY only, I’m going to be a rebel and leave my sunshade down and I really think this is going to make it almost like HELL in my car. I’m doing it for you…..get your guesses in….I am not joking about a prize, people. I have a Beauty and the Beer coffee mug with the girl from my header on one side and “Shankin’ Fools Since ‘05…..Word” on the other and it is a priceless piece of ceramic, my friends. I only need to tell you that maybe you shouldn’t put it in the dishwasher because it fades a little bit so my mug only says “itch” on one side and it bothers me because, really? Who wants to drink out of a mug that says “itch”? Yeah. Hand wash that sumbitch. I might even throw in a shirt too. Like for second place or whatever. I’m feeling mighty generous. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I’m kinda sorta happy and stuff as of late. Don’t know why.
Hey…did I mention I have a grill? Or more to the truth, I am “grill sitting” a grill?
Random Thought of the Day: Baby, you hosed the hell outta that!!!
Much Love.
Filed under: Category? What's this bullshit?
No, Miss Spotdog, I am NOT dead of a TOE break!!! I am HERE and I have been working really hard and stuff and have NEGLECTED you guys and I am SORRY but DAMN is a BITCH ever BUSY or WHAT????? My schedule has been so incredibly hectic and NARY a second to sit my CUTE ass (hell…who am I kidding? My FINE ass) down to type about the incredible FUN that is my life!!!!
*crickets chirping merrily*
Jay KAY, people. Jay fucking kay.
In all honesty, THIS:
…is part of the reason I am AWOL. Do you SEE that??? Um….I was in my car for 30 minutes with the AIR full fucking BLAST and THAT…..THAT is what the inside of Ruby the ‘Nox was. One. Thirteen. Seriously? Um….no. Jesus? Um…yeah…come here…let’s chat. There’s this stuff….I’ve heard of it…it’s called “rain” and it’s MAGICAL like a UNICORN and it cools stuff off and helps feed this other magical stuff called “grass” and “shrubbery” and I would totally stop saying “FUCK” if you’d find it in your holy heart of hearts to maybe shoot some of that shit this way. Thanks, JC! Amen.
113, people. 1. 13. DIE. It’s not even as HOT as it’s gonna get. I think we should have a contest and see who can guess JUST how fucking HOT my car will get this summer! Wouldn’t that be fun???? I could send ya’ll a mug or a shirt or whatever. And NO, I wouldn’t send you something of MINE….I’m not THAT poor….I would actually BUY someone something! Whoot! Leave your guess in the comments. OR not. Whatever. I don’t give a shit.
In other news, this is something no one should have to witness and I’m sorry my phone skillz suck the bitter end of a donkey’s ass, but I was trying to be covert and she was totally watching me and short of hopping out of my car and running up to her and squatting down in front of her nasty crotch and snapping a totally cool pic, THIS is what you get:
Skirt. Legs open. Hairy squirrel peeking out. The end. I just might boycott WalMart from now on. I am not kidding. Ok…I’m kidding. I love that fucking store. I guess lookin’ on some lady’s crotch monkey is a small price to pay seeing as I can get an 8-pack of generic waffles for a buck. I have needs, people. Don’t dare judge me.
Um….yeah…so I swore to GOD in HEAVEN above I wouldn’t talk about my sorry ass love life anymore because when I seem to get my hopes up and kinda maybe like a person or whatever and then I talk about it, it PRETTY much ends up in a pile of vomit putrid stenchy shit in the middle of the floor so I just wanna say, cautiously, that I had a kinda sorta date this weekend and it’s REALLY no big deal because um HELLO it’s ME for God’s sake and we all know I’m gonna be a bitter old lady, alone with my 50 cats even though I’m allergic, wearing sweaters buttoned up to my chin sporting a beautiful blue bouffant (did I spell that shit wrong? I don’t care….fuck it) hair-do that is reminescent (Did I spell THAT shit wrong??? Why can’t I SPELL???) of a motorcyle helmet and I will cry into my whiskey glass every night and YES I said WHISKEY because by then, plain ol’ beer isn’t going to numb the pain of the very dismal existence the Lord has planned for me. So…yeah….whatever. He kinda maybe wanted to cook for me and I was like, “Yeah whatever dude” and he was like, “Um…where’s your grill” and I might have said, “My ex got custody” and he maybe then offered to buy me a fucking grill and I said, “YOU MOST CERTAINLY WILL NOT BUY ME SHIT, HENCEFORTH BOJANGLE WORKBOOT” and then he probably said, “Well, fine….I’m gonna by myself a grill and do you mind if I left it here, just in case I just might wanna come the fuck over again in the FUTURE and grill some sweet ass steaks or something” and I might have said, “Yeah whatthefuckever dude” and then, I have this shit sittin’ on my back porch now:
And I’m sorry but have you ever seen a cuter fucking grill??? It’s miniature and MAGICAL!!! Just like the UNICORNS of YORE and stuff. I LOVE IT. Um…I mean, he better come get his shit off my back porch because I will totally fuck it up. I don’t know a fucking thing about GRILL UPKEEP and I will wear the FUCK outta that sumbitch and it won’t look that shiny and new for long because SERIOUSLY?? I totally made barbeque chicken tonight and it looks like I shot Yoshida’s Teriyaki sauce out of a slingshot onto the chicken breasts and um…yeah….it’s pretty fucked up at this point.
Anyway, no big deal, right? I mean…it’s just a fucking tabletop propane grill, for God’s sake.
Calm down, Elle.
Random Thought of the Day: She needs to sit her sorry ass down and put a corn cob in her mouth.
Much Love.
Filed under: Lake Aught 8!!!
Guess what happens when you leave for the lake Friday and you turn your BlackBerry off and you go without your phone for THREE DAYS!??????
Absofuckinglutely NOTHING.
Life goes on. Nothing needs attention. No one DIES! It’s OK to be UNfuckingAVAILABLE!!!!
I just rolled my stank ass back into town and thought I’d give you a run down of the last three days….BlackBerry Free. It’s glorious.
First off, I think I broke a toe. My step dad said, “It’s just swollen” but I had to remind him of my jacked up fourth FAT toe and I said, “Um…no…that’s just my fat toe” and he shrugged and said, “Bitch, you’re fine. Now go ski” or something like that. Check out the HORROR that is my pedicure on the foot without the broken toe (God, I’m so incredibly embarrassed by what I’m about to show you but I’m doing it for the ladies out there that DON’T fix their piggies on a regular basis….this is what your feet should NOT look like….You’re welcome):
Mr. Third Toe met the unforgiving end of a hinge on the boat and my little toenail split and fell the fuck OFF and I cried a tear of sadness at the cuteness that was because HONESTLY….who puts a fucking METAL HINGE of DEATH on a BOAT??? I mean, we don’t NEED to lift the HULL and check the damn ENGINE for SHIT!! Total crock of poop, I tell ya. Engines. Pffft. There are these things…called “oars”, people. I can totally row my ass off. I don’t need a fucking ENGINE to do the job of my big biceps. I am not kidding.
Now….prepare yourselves….for the broken (ok not really but I’m just saying that and maybe one of you will totally be nice to me and tell me I’m brave and shit for skiing on a broken toe that’s not really broke but I just want attention….anyway…) fat toe of death:
I am fixin’ to popsicle stick that mofo and limp into work tomorrow in flip flops and stuff and tell tales of my BRAVERY and SHIT because I totally rocked the fucking SKIS on a FAKE BROKE TOE!!! I might even put some make up on it to make it look bruised or something. I’m a little pissed that it’s not all purple and nasty lookin’.
Oh! But guess what!?????? PIGTAILS!!!
I’m sorry…but can I just say…..I FUCKING ROCK THE HELL OUTTA SOME FUCKING PIGTAILS!!! And they are Christ Approved!!!!
I also got to DRIVE the boat! I know, I know…..who cares, right? WELL I FUCKING CARE and you WILL LOOK AT ME DRIVING DOING THE WORD MOUTH! Check…it…out…HOLLA!
Jesus loves braids too. FUCK YES!
Um…..have I ever showed you my skillz? I thought not. Please….TRY and not be too damn jealous of my aquatic AWESOMENESS!
The Big Easy was my BITCH! I love that fucking board. When I did a face plant after this picture was tooken (jot. down.), the board totally apologized and said, “My bad, Elle.” and I said, “Uh huh….I didn’t hit some bad ass waves or anything. It was ALL you Mr. Big Easy.” and I hugged him and kissed his boot and let my step dad reel me in like a fucking trout for I was SPENT!!!!
Now, I did take pics on my BlackBerry and when I sent them to my email, most of them made it. Two of them died in phone space somewhere and I had deleted them from my phone and stuff so I couldn’t RESEND so I thought I’d take the liberty and draw for you what I saw. I know….my art is so lifelike, you can totally SEE what I saw and think, “What a GREAT picture and not a DRAWING by a half brained monkey!”
We were chillin’ like villians in a little cove, just listening to the BEACH BOYS (please don’t laugh…I love them) and Step Dad said, “What’s that over there on the SHORE?” and I said, “IT’S a fucking COFFIN!” so he’s like, “Let’s check that shit out. Word.” so we cruised over there and LORD AND BEHOLD, it WASN’T a COFFIN (dammit…because I totally would have hauled that fucker INTO the boat and tried to sell it on Ebay or some shit but whatever….I was hoping there was a skeleton in it too. DAMN my LUCK!) but a REFRIGERATOR!
Who throws a FRIDGE in the LAKE? I just don’t get this!!! Even Mr. Sun seemed surprised at our discovery! Fucking LITTERBUGS!! I mean, that takes a LOT of time and EFFORT to haul that fucker WAY out there and TOSS IT!!!! I wanted to go open it and see if there were a skeleton in it but Step Dad said something about “shore too close” and “we are gonna go ashore” and “SHORE IS LIKE RIGHT THERE SO NO” and “shore”. Whatever. All ruinin’ my fun.
Then, when we tried to drop Step Dad off at the dock so he could go get the trailer and we could pull our sweet ass boat outta the water and go eat and stuff, some FUCKTARD decided to TIE HIS BOAT off RIGHT WHERE WE NEEDED TO BE!! This is AGAINST the “RULES OF THE LAKE” and I was pissed. Check out this photographic evidence:
This is just totally unacceptable. Mom had to maneuver and maneuver and MAN OOVER the damn boat just right and that motherfucker even LOOKED at us TRYING to squeeze our asses into a slot the size of a postcard and he just up and walked away. Oh…look…no surprise here….he was a BASS FISHERMAN DUDE! We all know what JERKS they are, from last year when they tried to kill me. And NO…I won’t link….again….if I must say it….I’m lazy.
I got into a fucking fight too.
With a goose.
Now, let me just say, GEESE are SATAN’S birds and they know that I’m an Angel of our Lord or something because I just went outside this morning to take a walk down by the pond to look for this poor duck that the other ducks were ganging up on the night before and THIS motherfucker CHASED ME! His name is Mr. Jingles or some shit but I just call him Asshole:
He started honking his Satan Honk and shit and CHASED me back up to my room and I had to grab a chair and threaten to BEAT his FEATHERY UGLY ass and he HONKED some more and I acted like I was gonna toss the chair at his beak, which I heard renders them helpless or something. Or maybe that’s “punch a shark in the snout”. I don’t know. Regardless, I saw fear in his black eyes of Lucifer and he backed the fuck down and I was able to snap a pic.
I almost died, people.
I am not kidding.
Geese are mean.
Thank God I was there and no one else got hurt.
Alright…I smell like dirty lake fish trout refrigerator coffin beer broken toe HELL!
All in all, I’d say these last three days….
…perfect.
Well, except for the “broken toe” and the part I forgot to mention how I had to pee so bad but was afraid of the bathrooms of HELL so I totally squatted in the desert and it became a river on the sidewalk and people walked by and saw and shook their heads in disgust because…yeah…I totally took a picture of that too:
Oops!!! Sorry!!!!! No…I’m really not. I had to go and the Lord pointed to a bush. I took advantage. Jesus never steers me wrong. YAY for PEE!!!
Random Thought of the Day: Wow…that was…um….graceful the way you dismounted those skis. I don’t know how you do it, Elle.
Much Love.
Have you ever been so completely content in a situation that you felt like you were meant to BE? That, this is what your soul needed to survive? That the simple act of your best friend hugging you and playing with your hair as she whispers “Oh how I’ve missed you so, my sweet girl” as you both cry and then pull back and look at each other and squeal with delight is the absolute sweetest memory you have at this very moment in time?
Have you ever been gone from somewhere for quite some time but the second you are there, it’s like you pick up where you left off and the next thing you know, you are hiking your leg up on your friend’s table, drinking coffee, smoking a cigarette and laughing about how your vagina looked while giving birth and the words “swole up monkey butt” have never sounded funnier?
Have you ever had to squeeze an entire year of missing friends into five days and hard as you may try to stretch it out and make it last, before you know it, it’s the night before you leave and you have had 3 shots of Patron and are crying uncontrollably while your best friend holds you and says not a word but she LETS you sob and get it all out, so much so that your eyes are swollen shut and you might have mentioned the words, “I’m….so…incredibly….lonely” and she kisses you and tells you she’s sorry and that she loves you so damn much and to PLEASE come home?
Have you ever wished that they cancelled every flight for the rest of eternity so you would have no choice BUT to stay in the place where your soul eats until it’s full and your heart laughs until it aches and your face is stuck in a perpetual grin, even when your best friend is farting while she is telling a story because no one even notices that she farts anymore, it’s just part of the way things are and you love that about her?
Have you ever loved a child, not your own, so much that you want to bite her and then stick her in your luggage and smuggle her home because my GOD when she speaks, it’s heaven and you never want to miss one fucking second of the child that NOW wants to be…er, uh…excuse me….IS a pirate, all because Aunt Elle is a pirate and she whispers in your ear that for Halloween, she wants to be a bad pirate….a fighting pirate….and the pink bandanna you gave her is on her head 24/7 and she “arrghs” on command?
Have you ever watched a child that you have known since she was 12, walk down the aisle looking like the most beautiful bride you have EVER laid eyes on and even though she had 8 KIDS in the wedding party, that everything went off brilliantly and you took 800 fucking pictures on ONE camera and nothing died on you or anything, that it was like God made you a super photographer and out of 800 pictures, every single fucking one is glorious and you didn’t have to edit SHIT because THIS WEDDING WAS THE SHIT! HAVE YOU EVER??
Have you ever sat around a table with your three bestest friends and there is NEVER a dull moment and they LET you be YOU and TALK LOUDLY, like ALL CAPS like and stuff and they actually want to HEAR what you have to SAY and they genuinely LOVE all of you and LAUGH at your dumb jokes and make fun of you but you LOVE it because they LOVE you and you NEVER EVER FUCKING DOUBT it….even for a second?
Have you ever played volleyball with a bunch of Swedes and they teach you all the cuss words and stuff in Swedish but you are a little drunk so you’ve since forgotten them and all you could think about was the dead armadillo in the woods that smelled like death and pus and dead ASS and it made you miss a few key volleys but everyone forgave you because you were playing in a running bra and tight shorts?
Have you ever been jealous of the kids sliding down the pool slide asking for “NANA! CATCH ME” so you totally say, “I can do that too” and you climb precariously up the ladder and actually try to OUT-DO the children by going on your stomach down the slide and it makes your boobs hurt but you don’t give a flying fuck because NANA catches you at the bottom and you both scream like little girls and laugh until you have to get out the pool and run inside and pee, or do like me and find a bush??
Have you, um….yeah…um…have you ever used a bidet? And it felt so incredibly wonderful that you spent 20 minutes on the toilet? No? Just me? Alrighty then.
Have you ever felt that when you got back “home” that you didn’t walk as tall and you were suddenly sad and angry and depressed and hacked the fuck off because you felt JIPPED in the LOCATION department and you so desperately just wanted to find a hole and climb in it and cry because oh how your heart aches for the place and the friends that make you want to be a better person?
That, my friends, is home.
That is peace.
That is friendship.
That is love.
That is safety.
That is pure fucking heaven.
That….is Georgia for me.
I miss you…..Dana, Shawna, Susan, Shea. Way too much.
Oh…and before I forget….I got a picture of The Bird….Arrgh in full effect:
Seriously????? I wanna be that cute.
Random Thought of the Day: Bitch, please! I would rather spend the money and get you back here.
Much Love.
