Filed under: Uncategorized
She will rise…..
I’ve been overwhelmed with The Life That Is. Numerous times, I’ve sat down at this laptop and stared at the cursor, blinking its unforgiving deathly blink, and nothing would come. No words. No funny. No stories of birds trying to kill me or tales of my obsession with Cheez-Its.
I want to apologize. But I can’t. I won’t. I needed the last year and a half. To stop…..breathe….regroup…..slice the cancers out of my life…..and find Elle again.
I finally found the courage….the BITCH in me reared her head…..after 5 and a half years to tell the man who has kept me down to leave me the fuck alone. This back and forth, I love you I don’t love you I want to be with you I don’t want to be with you, It looks like you gained a little weight, don’t wear your hair like that, Your nose is big, You’re bossy, I don’t like your family, I don’t have to tell you where I am, I will come see you when I have time because other things matter more than you, You drink too much, Stop saying Goddamn, FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT MOTHERFUCKER.
I knew it would happen eventually and I know ya’ll know I’m a hard ass but listen up because I’m only going to say this once and if you EVER repeat this shit I will hunt you down and THINGS WILL HAPPEN trust me on this….but I am one sensitive, loving, caring, HONEST AND TRUE person who believes in love. And I believe in HUMANFUCKINGKIND. And sometimes, that shit rips out your soul, stomps all over it and tries to put it back inside of you but all that’s left is a broken ass, tired, wrinkled up fucking SHELL.
Yet you continue to have this vicious thing called HOPE. Hope can suck my big fat dick. Hope can jump off a fucking cliff. Hope can kindly tip his fucking hat out my fucking door. I had to let Hope go. Because Hope? Hope almost took whatever Sweet/Loving/Kind/Beautiful/Funny I had left.
Nice damn try, bitch.
Numbers blocked. Shit out of my house for the SECOND time. I might even set fire to this fucking blanket that’s sitting in my garage. I haven’t decided yet. Might be powerful. Might cause me to get arrested. But whatever.
Maddie is SIXTEEN!!!
Delaney is TWENTY ONE!!! And she up and moved to Florida, for reasons I’d rather not discuss at this time. I will say that I miss her. Every second of every day. And let it be known that if you FUCK WITH MY BABIES??? I will fight to the death for them. So she’s SAFE. And she’s laughing again. And she feels beautiful again. And did I mention she’s safe??? Yeah. Another sorry ass excuse for a man tried to bring down a strong, beautiful, LOUD, smart, motherfucking GORGEOUS SOUL HAVIN’ woman. And he failed. Fuck you too, assface.
So much for not discussing it.
Maddie is a junior in high school. She is an actress. She LOVES theater and has been in a handful of plays. The Cat in the Hat? Yeeeeeaaaaaah. She was The Cat. And just finished her summer program as Beauty in Beauty and the Beast. To say I’m proud is a severe understatement. That child? THAT CHILD???? Is everything GOOD in this world. She’s delicious and I want to smother her every day with kisses and hugs but apparently, at 16, that’s not fucking cool so I have to make an appointment and the WAIT is horrendous and then it’s only like a 15 minutes slot but whatever. I’ll take it.
I’m trying to sell my beautiful home. 4 bedrooms are just way too much for Maddie and me. I’m tired. And I just need to downsize.
I have a gangsta guinea pig. His name is Leroy Bean. And he’s outta control. He tips over his house. He demands carrots before I go to bed and will MAKE A SHIT TON OF NOISE IF NOT GIVEN ONE. And he pees a lot. But I love him. I bought him a harness and a little baby leash and I WILL WALK THAT MOFO DOWN THE STREET, YOU MARK MY WORDS!!!!! Right now, I have to drag him across the carpet because he is stubborn and refuses to follow the rules and just SITS THERE. But he’s new here and he’ll FUCKING LEARN.
I’m on THE DEVIL KNOWN AS FACEBOOK. Hit me up and I’ll send you the info because I’m like a Secret Service Undercover Swat Team Six Bin Laden Chasin’ GHOST on there. Trust me.
I’m on Instagram too but someone ELSE is beautyandthebeer which COMPLETELY ticks me off because I’ve been that shit since AUGHT FIVE and don’t be rollin’ up in here in AUGHT TWELVE, with the same blog name on a different blog site (with a hypen….ridiculous) so don’t be lookin’ for me as BATB on instagram. I’m Elle_Dawg_. Hit me up on there too.
Oh….and I bought a fucking Chevy Silverado. Her name is Biscuit. And she rocks my fucking world.
I’m alive. I’ve dusted my pretty little ass off. I fixed my GODDAMN CROWN….crooked and slanted front. And I’m back.
MUCH MOTHERFUCKIN GODDAMN FUCKING LOVE.
Random Thought of the Day: I love you, pretty girl.
Filed under: BIRDAY!, Birthday GIRL!!!, Holy Shit WTF I have a CHILD WHO IS A WOMAN!!
I don’t know what has happened but all of a sudden, lots and lots of years have passed. I don’t even know where they went because it seemed like yesterday that I had BABIES. Like, hanging onto my pants leg BABIES who NEEDED me and wanted to hug me and be near me and cried for me to kiss their boo boos and sing them to sleep (because I have the voice of an angel, no doubt) and they let me SNIFF their NECKS with only a LITTLE bit of a fight and oh my God where in the hell has the time gone?????
Pooper Doo is 15 today. FIF. TEEN. Gone is the slobbery gap toothed baby girl who told me I hurt her “feelers” when I scolded her for something. Gone is the baby girl who would rather be butt ass naked, running around the house, than to have a stitch of clothing on her little mocha skinned self. Gone is the little girl who would climb into my lap, uninvited, with a bottle clenched by the nipple in her little teeth and a crooked sleepy smile on her face as she scrunched up under my arm and put her sweet little afro havin’ head on my chest. Gone is the baby girl who would hide under the end table to take a big CRAP, no matter HOW many times I showed her the toilet while potty training her. Gone is the little girl who survived on a diet of plain M & M’s and milk for at least two months while I tried to introduce her to stuff like….food. Gone is the sweet 2 year old who would act like she was riding a horse in the backyard while screaming out “DOH HODEE DOH!!” at the top of her lungs while galloping on a pony only she could see. Just….poof. The only proof these things ever happened are tucked away sweet memories in the dusty corners of my mind.
Getting old can eat a big bowl of horse dicks.
Today, I taught my 15 year old how to drive a stick shift. In less than 30 minutes. She was hesitant. But after a few stalls and a couple of grabs of the door handle by me, my sweet sweet child was cruising around like a pro in the parking lot of her old middle school. And it got me to thinking…..
What have I taught her?
I mean, we all as parents HOPE and WISH and PRAY that we “get it right”. Hope that we instill kindness, strength, manners, morals and dignity. Wish that they can achieve all the dreams their sweet little minds can dream. Pray that nothing happens to them as we let them grow into all we as parents have dreamt about.
These are things I have taught my children. And though they may not be the same things other parents have taught their kids, I could give a shit. As unethical and crass as I can be at times, it has served me well throughout motherhood. I don’t sugar coat shit with either of my girls. Never have…never will.
–Be nice. You would be amazed at how far a kind word and a smile can take you. That being said, if someone is mean to you, stand up for yourself. Do not back down. Do not cower. I did not raise you to be a pussy ass bitch. I raised you to be a strong, beautiful black woman and I expect nothing less.
–Homework is your job. You see this house? That room of yours? That food on the table? All those clothes/shoes/miscellaneous bullshit you have? Yeah. I provided all that goodness. The ONLY thing you have to do is homework. That’s it. Study. Take tests. Make good grades. Excel. That is your ONLY job. I have NEVER had to ask my girls if they have homework to do because from the moment they started school, that shit was a given. Do it.
–Take pride in your appearance. You will not leave this house looking unkempt. From your hair to your fucking toenails, I expect you to be groomed. I’m not talking about a shit ton of makeup on your face either. Less of that shit is more. Trust your mother. No one wants to get hugged by you and pull back to see foundation on their shirt. I can promise you this.
–Nobody likes chapped ass lips. I don’t care if you use lip GLOSS or fucking Chapstick, do not let me see your mouth looking like you have been sucking on a crack pipe. There is nothing worse than crusty, dry, white in the corners of your mouth, nasty ass lips. Take heed.
–Respect your elders. If I hear “huh” or “what” outta your mouth when someone addresses you, I will come unglued. I still say “Yes Ma’am” to my momma and I will be damned if you don’t do the same.
–Don’t dress like a whore. Your body is YOURS. Protect it. Treat it will respect or no one else will respect it either. If you think you are going to walk outta THIS house in some tight ass booty shorts and your cleavage flapping in the wind, you are in for a world of hurt. It ain’t happening, sweet cheeks.
–When you are wrong, apologize. Always own your shit. It takes a big person to admit when they are wrong. Stand tall, open your mouth, and say it. And on the other side of this, when someone is big enough to admit they are wrong and apologize, always always say…..I forgive you. Because it lets that person know they are absolved. It fixes what’s wrong. I promise you this.
–Love whoever you want. Man, woman, black, white, tall, short, missing an eye, WHATEVER the case may be. Love who YOU want to love. Don’t let anyone EVER tell you who you CAN love. Fuck everybody and their opinions about RIGHT and WRONG and RACE and GENDER and just LOVE who you LOVE. The end. Because as long as YOU are happy and the significant other loves you?? I’m all good.
–Your vagina is not free for all. You only give your virginity away once. Make it count because you may be able to turn back time and have some do-overs on a LOT of shit in this life, but THAT? Ain’t one of them. Guard your vagina with your LIFE because boys are…..well, boys. They will stick their penis in a damn pillow with a hole cut in the center of it TRUST ME ON THIS so LET them DO THAT instead and save your vagina for when you are old enough to understand “love” and “feelings” and “all that sappy shit” that comes with it. Besides, she’s YOUR vagina……if you have needs, I can guarantee you that your hand doesn’t carry syphilis or genital warts. I speak truth.
–You can achieve anything you set your mind to. Do it. Make no excuses. If you fail, cry about it, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and carry on. Nothing is promised to you in this life. Go out and be the bad ass superwoman that I helped create and be anything you want to be. You will fail. I promise you this. It happens to all of us. But it’s how you recover from those failures and pick up the broken pieces, glue that motherfucking shit back together best you can and GO ON. You both will do great things in this life. Call it destiny, fate or whatever you want to call it. I believe it and so should you.
I feel like I’m on a tirade and that wasn’t my intent but DAMN if my baby girl didn’t turn 15 today. Cut a bitch some slack. I’m taking a stroll down memory lane and I’m all melancholy and shit.
Anyway, check out this sweet girl:
I have never known joy like I experienced today. I TAUGHT MY CHILD HOW TO DRIVE A STICK SHIFT!!! GET THE FUCKKKKK OUTTA HERE ALREADY, LIFE!!!!!! Why is she GROWN?????????
Pooper, I am mesmerized by you. You are all that is good in this world. I see you and I see hope for the future. And I know that shit sounds corny as all hell, but it’s true. You are SO good. So smart. So funny. So so so beautiful, inside and out. I hate when you hurt and wish I could take your burdens off your back and carry them for you. But I’m proud of how you deal with them on your own…..with grace. I miss that baby girl. I do. GOD I DO. I just want to hug you all the time and I know it’s not your THING nowadays to be all UP IN MY JELLY but that doesn’t mean I can’t miss it. Every sweet nuance. Your baby breath. Your sweet smelling soft neck. Your laugh. I miss that baby girl.
But I see this???????
And you’re all that’s delicious in this world. You’re lucky I didn’t get some neck sniffing time in while you slept. But I know the Teenager Rules and I try my best to abide by them.
Happy 15th, Maddie Pooper Doo.
Filed under: Superwoman
44 months and 4 days. I am kicking kicking kicking my way to the top. With one final surge, I break the surface. And I take a huge gulp of air. I sputter. I think I’m crying. Can’t be sure. Everything is murky. And just like that…..I’m single.
I’m not going to get into all the details. Instead, I thought I’d make a list for all you men out there looking for the ANSWERS as to HOW you should make a relationship work. The To Do and NOT To Do Handbook, if you will. This is ALL just hypothetical, of course. Wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Let’s do this……take notes…..because I promise you….this shit is GOLDEN.
1) It’s probably not a good idea to tell your girlfriend she looks like a troll. Followed by “I’m just kidding” when you see the hurt on her face. One time? It’s a joke. 8398498 times? That’s just plain fucking rude.
2) When you buy her a gift, it should be just that. A gift. Something you bought for her because you were thinking of her. And you shouldn’t ever EVER keep reminding her of all you’ve bought her and done for her and call her ungrateful because she doesn’t throw a fucking ticker tape parade 24-7 for your generosity. Because pretty soon, she won’t want prizes anymore because the shit that comes attached to them just isn’t worth it.
3) If, by chance, she uses one of your washcloths in the shower to take off her makeup, it wouldn’t be a good idea to start yelling at her, with shampoo running into her pretty little eyes while you grab the washcloth and shake it at her saying she has no regards for your stuff because MAYBE just maybe, she will leave her body and hover over this scene while it’s unfolding and see her naked self, crying and saying, “I’m sorry” over and over and it will make her really really sad. It’s just mascara.
4) Don’t tell her she’s pretty and when you see her smile and lower her head because that was so sweet out of the blue to say but then you follow that up with “Pretty jacked up”. In her mind, she is screaming at the top of her lungs at you. And that just chipped away a little bit more of her soul.
5) Don’t ever EVER raise your voice at her children. Ever.
6) If she loves you enough to reveal her insecurities, it would be prudent of you to NOT point them out to her any chance you get. For she is beautiful. Inside and out.
7) When you call her late at night and wake her up but she doesn’t care because she takes your calls whenever she hears the phone ring, don’t accuse her of having someone in bed with her. If you think she’s a fucking whore, then you shouldn’t be with her to begin with.
8) Don’t use marriage talk as a weapon. She might take marriage very seriously and she may want to be a wife to a good man one day. But when you bring marriage up? And joke about it? And she opens her pretty little mouth to retort? You can’t get mad. Plus, she probably doesn’t want to marry you anyway. Even if you were the last man on Earth and you were pissing Coors Light.
9) Don’t for one second think she is stupid. For the internet? It’s a wonderful beautiful glorious thing. And trust me. She knows all. I motherfucking promise you this.
10) When her friends and family call you out on your shit, it doesn’t mean she is a tattletale. It means she is loved. I don’t think they would jump your shit for leaving the cap off the toothpaste but I think they just might KNOW that sweet girl a little too well and they sense her sadness and when she opens up to them, they react. Fiercely.
11) Don’t ever call her selfish for reasons unknown. Because when you can’t back that statement up with FACT, you are an idiot who is desperately trying to gain the upper hand and make yourself feel better about your own shortcomings.
12) Don’t lie. Ever. And by “lie”, that includes keeping secrets, not being completely truthful and a blatant disregard for facts. It’s just not good business. Please refer to #9 above.
13) God she is so beautiful. I mean….just look at her. Listen to her. Watch her in a group. Look at her tell a story. HOLY FUCK everyone is enthralled!! She is so…..expressive. And loud. My my my. What you shouldn’t do is tell her that she always has to be the center of attention and that EVERYONE just LOVES her and be a pouty whiny baby pussy pants about it. She just might be the motherfucking SHIT, my friend. And you should be happy she is with your trifling, lying ass and maybe just shut the fuck up for once and enjoy the motherfucking SHOW.
14) How do those words taste when you spit them out? She’s curious. Because they feel like shit when they hit her ears.
Good thing this is all hypothetical and they don’t pertain to anyone in particular.
Love your women. Love them something fierce. Appreciate all they do for you. Even the small things like cheering for your stupid football team. Or making you a cup of coffee. Or trying to understand your pain and fix it in spite of their own. Good women are out there. We are. The problem is, it takes losing one to realize you had that shit in the palm of your hand.
I love me some Elle.
Random Thought of the Day: GO DAWGS!!!!
Filed under: Bullwinkle, Georgia on my mind., Georgia...JO JA!, Girlfriends. | Tags: Out of retirement....sort of
Ok….here I am. With a rundown of my life in the past month. I’M OUTTA CONTROL, people!!!!! But hopefully, this will give you a little peek into what’s been going on with this girl. First up, I went to GEORGIA!!! Over 4th of July and worked a booth at Ft. Benning. We sold Gatorade. And by sold, I mean this…..
WHAAAAAAAT????? Yeah. That’s Pooper Doo. And my girlie, Shawna. It was hot. Fucking hot. And so damn humid. And can I just say that Papa wasn’t selling SHIT until we showed up. I pushed a 10 year old outta the way and said, “Let me show you how to sell” and sell we did. SOLDIERS ARE THIRSTY!!! We filled those coolers up about 20 times. Couldn’t even get the drinks cold enough before they were begging for more. Half the time, we made them take a drink then we would scoop ice outta the coolers into the bottle. Poor lil’ soldiers. All dying of HEAT EXHAUSTION and shit!!!! But then Dana, the Germ Patrol, told us we couldn’t do that because of “health regulations” or whatever. I really don’t think they minded our sexy hands, sweaty bodies and smiling faces putting ice in their drinks. I stand by that statement for it is TRUTH! We sold out of 100 cases of Gatorade. Hun. Dred. Papa made about 8 grand from that and candy. And funnel cakes. Lots and lots of funnel cakes. SQUEEEEE! Every 15 minutes, I was doing this:
….because if I hadn’t, I most surely would have died from exposure. And I will be honest here and tell you that YES…..I did pee while standing there. I am not ashamed and the port o potties were too damn far and I had drinks to pimp. No time.
AND THIS IS AFTER WALKING NINE HOLES OF GOLF (yes….Papa made us WALK) and I shot a spectacular 20 or so OVER par so it was a GREAT day. Thank God I had the sense to attach a small cooler under my golf caddy rolly cart thingy so I was hydrated and shit because otherwise, yes….I would have died….again. So damn hot.
OH MY GOD IS THAT KIM KARDASHIAN IN SEARS???????
Ooops….sorry!!! I didn’t smell the class at first!! It’s my HIGH SCHOOL POOPER DOO!!! When the hell did this happen??? Because I blinked or something and fucking missed it.
Looking for Ya Ya hats, this one was voted down UNANIMOUSLY (which is bullshit) but still a look that I love:
And I tried to vote this one in as well but after a heated debate, I lost yet again so I bought one for myself and walked around Sam’s Club, eatin’ samples and lookin’ fly…..per the usual:
No greater feeling in the world than little children pointing and sayin “Mom, LOOK!! It’s a pirate!!!” While the mother shook her head, as if SHAMED by me but I don’t give a shit. I was getting my 20 bucks worth outta that bad boy. Trust.
We settled on cowgirl hats for the 10th anniversary of our Ya Ya meeting!!!! SQUEEEEEE!!
And we inducted Pooper into the group. My girl is finally a Ya Ya. Pictured are Princess Runs With Blisters, Princess Legalotafro, Queen Shaman Stands With Dignity, Princess Burping Bear and yours truly, Princess Robin Bare Breasts. I truly truly love these women. I do.
SO I fell into an elevator. About a ten inch drop. Arms full of charts and a Starbucks. Check it:
And NO….that tape wasn’t there. Nor the handmade Sharpie sign. That is the work of ME after I gathered my wits, went up to my office, grabbed a tape gun and went to work. I FELL TEN INCHES going FULL SPEED AHEAD!!! I could have KILLED MYSELF!! I tell everyone I fell down an elevator shaft because I really feel like I did and then they are amazed that I lived and I just shrug and say, “Well, I’m a boxer and stuff so I’m in shape” and they are usually pretty impressed. Wait, what’s that?? I didn’t tell you guys that I BOX? More on that later.
But FIRST!!! This girl right here??????
…..started high school and I can’t talk about it because my throat won’t let me because wow holy shit I can’t even fathom and OMG HIGH SCHOOL and wow…..yeah…..just cant find the words.
So they call me Bullwinkle. Because, and I quote, “You ain’t no Rocky” which ELLE OH ELLE, trainer guys!!! Everyone has jokes. I’ve been going 3 times a week for the past two months and HOLY SHIT I have MUSCLES!! LIke my arms???? AND MY LEGS!!!! And I won’t even mention the ASS but let me tell you, squat jumps? With a medicine ball? Over and over?? It works. And I used to LOVE to jump rope as a little pirate but jump rope can eat a bowl of hot dicks because I hate hate hate it but my calves?? Love it. Oh and burpees. Burpees were invented by Satan. Once I’m in prime form, I might post pics of the muscles and stuff but I don’t want to turn this into some PORN BLOG because it is THAT GOOD so we shall see. Until then….I’m still alive….
….and lovin’ every single second of my sweet ass life. I haven’t said that in years, I know but it’s amazing what clarity can do for you. It really is. Excise the cancers, people. And you will see.
Alright, I’m gonna go lay by Sissy’s pool and grill some chicken.
Did I mention it’s now Elle, RVS? Because it is. I expect you to address me as such, henceforth.
Much Pirate Smile Love.
Random Thought of the Day: Feed my smile, starve my tears.
Filed under: FUCK YES I ROCK!
I’ve accomplished TWO great things in my life……and I don’t have to tell you what or who those accomplishments are.
And I’ve come a long long way in terms of happiness. Success. Self-esteem. Loving myself. Believing that I’m worth something.
Over the last few years, you have heard me whine about “WOE IS ME!!!” and “I HATE EVERYONE” and “WHY CAN’T I CATCH A BREAK??” and you’ve encouraged me and lifted me up and MADE me believe that I could do anything I set my motherfucking mind to.
So….last time I took my exam for my certification, I needed 650 to pass and I got 638. A fucking LOSE by two questions. TWO. I didn’t tell anyone that I was taking my exam AGAIN today. I just didn’t want the “Good Lucks” and “You can do its” and all that shit. I just needed to study. A lot. So study I did. For the last 3 weeks, I have taken every opportunity whether it be in between patients at work, every night when I got home, weekends were FILLED with textbooks and whatnot trying to fill my brain with physics principles (and seriously???? Ever try and teach YOURSELF physics? Go ahead. I’ll wait.) and I absorbed every tiny little fucking detail of every page and every patient I scanned every fucking day was a mini-test and I got the medical terminology DOWN PAT, bitches….don’t doubt me on this….and I learned. I studied until I couldn’t fit anymore fucking knowledge into my skull. I studied so hard that my brain actually HURT. And I ended each study session with a full on ugly cry.
I woke up this morning. I went over my notes. Then I put them away because if I didn’t know what I needed to know this morning, then I wasn’t gonna fucking learn it. I got this. I can do this. I know this.
Truth be told, I would have been happy with a 650 pass. I truly would have. Because a pass is a pass is a pass. Right?
When I finished the exam, an hour and 25 minutes into my 3 hour time limit, I hesitated before I hit the “End Exam” button. I lowered my head. I told myself that I was exceptional. That I had done my very best and that I would still love me….no matter what the outcome.
I sat like that for 5 minutes.
And I cried.
Because another fail? Would have sent me over the motherfucking edge of insanity.
I wanted to sit there for the remaining hour and a half. I swear to you I did.
But then the pirate in me got a little bad ass and she pulled herself up square in her uncomfortable chair….she wiped her eyes….she said to me, “Bitch. YOU. GOT. THIS. Hit the damn button already.”
WHAT THE FRESH HELL????????? I thought for a second that maybe that was the score I needed to pass and that I had failed again so I called the proctor over and asked, “Um….did I pass?” and he looked at the computer screen and said, “Uh…yeah….by a lot.” and I said, “Oh my God I’m gonna shit my pants” and he whispered “Please don’t” and HOLY SHIT I MOTHERFUCKING BLEW THAT FUCKING TEST OUTTA THE MOTHERFUCKING WATER!!!!!!!
I had to sit in the parking lot for 15 minutes before I could drive. I was shaking and fucking UGLY CRYING and I just didn’t even have the CALMNESS to DRIVE A VEHICULAR HOMICIDE so I just sat there. And then I screamed at the top of my lungs FUCK YES I ROCK!!!! Because that shit had to be said.
I…..am now….a Registered Vascular Sonographer or Specialist. Take your pick. I FUCKING ROCK EITHER WAY!
And don’t THINK for a second that I’m not gonna get RVS after my name on EVERY motherfucking thing I can. Checks, name badge….hell I’m even gonna sign my name “Elle, RVS” EVERY TIME I HAVE TO SIGN SOMETHING!!! Dinner at Chili’s??? RVS. Walmart? RVS. I earned those fucking letters and they may not mean SHIT to anyone else but they sure as shit mean the world to me. Ooooh!!!! I’m thinking BUSINESS CARDS!!! SQUEEEEEEE!!!!!!
That’s the motherfucking BUSINESS right there!!!!!
Alright, I gots to go burn all these physics books. For real.
Random Thought of the Day: Duty factor = Pulse duration divided by the Pulse repetition period x 100. Word.
Much RVS motherfucking LOVE, my BITCHES!!!!
Filed under: Uncategorized
I have stayed away because it has been absolutely crazy up in this little book I call “My Life”. I haven’t felt very talkative (IKNOWRIGHT????? CRAZY UP IN HERE!!) and haven’t felt very funny, which is the main reason I created this blog in the first place and those of you who KNOW this crazy ass part-time pirate girl KNOW that I hate just throwing up a post about my day, as dull as it may be, just to POST something. I will NOT DO IT SWEAR TO GOD ALMIGHTY I REFUSE!!!!
I hate that this place has become a place where people can spy upon my sweet little life, without bothering to ask how I’m doing in THE REAL FUCKING WORLD! I hate THAT PEOPLE CAN PEEK AT ME!! WHY CAN’T YOU FUCKITY FUCKING CALL ME! TEXT ME! EMAIL ME! And let me just say that I have gotten SO many emails from those of you that I consider friends in this blog world, wondering how I am and just reaching out and letting me know that you’re worried about lil’ ol’ me. God, I can’t tell you enough how much it means to me.
For the people that have given a god damn SHIT……thank you.
I’m alive. I have issues. Which, really ???? That’s nothing new. Since 2005, I have been complaining about shit that happens to me and bullshit I encounter on the daily and people that I want to punch in the throat and fucking killer birds and my fucking toes and my BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN and my HORRIBLE romantic endeavors and you have read each and every last post and have NEVER judged. You laugh. I make you laugh. Which is what I set out to do all those years ago.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this fucking post. Because it is OBVIOUSLY NOT FUCKING FUNNY AT FUCKING ALL but I don’t care. I just wanted to touch fingertips with ya’ll. Because I really fucking owe you guys. BIG FUCKING TIME.
You have lifted this girl up when she needed it most.
OK FUCK IT! Here is a rundown of some shit that has happened. Let it be known that I just keyholed a fucking beer and chugged it and burped really hard and now my ribs hurt and here we go:
*Delaney moved into her own apartment. This makes me proud and sad, all at the same time. I also need to learn how to NOT cook way too much spaghetti for dinner. I’m tired of eating that shit at work for a fucking entire week.
*Maddie will be going to fucking HIGH SCHOOL NEXT YEAR. I can’t even expand on this right now because it makes my throat close up and NOT many things do that (outside of red wine and dirty balls, I can’t think of much else) to me.
*This girl is absolutely finding her light again. Just let it be known that I SWEAR FROM THIS DAY FORWARD NO ONE WILL EVER YELL AT ME AGAIN FOR STUPID FUCKING BULLSHIT! I LOVE MY FUCKING MAKEUP WASHCLOTHS!!!
*Please, for the love of GOD, please……….this I pray.
*Is it wrong to ask that I just want to be left alone? Like, get UP OUT of my ASS for two seconds and realize that this is WHO I AM and I know no other way but to be strong and do for myself and JUST FUCKING BE ME and I don’t need you to DO anything for me yet in the same breath, I want to strangle myself with a fucking tampon string because I’m so FUCKING BROKEN right now but I need to FUCKING RELAX and just breathe and just…….be happy.
*I love my house. Even though it is so so so so so fucking empty most times. I have 4 bedrooms. Come see this bitch.
*I have to throw out some severe anger. But I won’t. They don’t deserve my words.
*I love Molicious. Even though I know she wants to fucking strangle me most times, she has been nothing but a pillar of strength and love and OHMYGODJUSTDOIT high fives for such a long long time. I miss your sweet face. And Jesus is missed as well.
*Work is awesome. Just signed up for my test. AGAIN. Won’t tell you when but I just need happy thoughts and lots of prayers because I swear to GOD if I fail this motherfucker again,I most likely will ram my sweet Black Pearl into a Circle K and just jump out and bite people at random. Good thoughts, ya’ll. PLEASE HOLY FUCKNUTS PLEASE PRAY TO JESUS FOR THIS GIRL! And physics can eat my piehole raw. FUCK IT!
*I love my mom.
*I love Santa. And he pretty much fucked me over this past year but whatever. Let it BE KNOWN OFF COOCHIE CANYON that I tried to take my lights down (that took me an entire day to put up, all because some fucking Hoover Vacuum Salesman of Hate interrupted me but I totally wanted my great room cleaned so I let him in and I now want those 2 hours of my life back but HOLY SHIT I had me some dirt up in here and CHEERS DUDE!!! You rock!!) and I pulled the ONE extension cord and they all came down in a 30 second show of despair and I was sad and hung my head and just said FUCK THIS MOTHERFUCKER and ran around the neighborhood with my I-Pod full blast in my flip flops and tank top and waved my arms because LET ME TELL YOU I was a crazy pants MAGOO and wanted to kill rocks and stuff. So. Mad.) So Fuck YOU, SANTA FUCKING FAT CLAUS because I deserve some APPLES and a fucking MEAT LOG FROM PEPPERIDGE FARM!!!!!!
*No monkey this year. Insert total fucking sad fucking OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE IT SAD FACE RIGHT FUCKING HERE.
*I LOVE my fucking feet. No lie.
*Oh. And to the fucking WHITE FANG WHORE????? What goes the fuck around? Comes the motherfucking FUCK around. I hope you enjoy your sad fucking life and those second shelf erectile dysfunction pills you bought from fucking INDIA and had shipped to where I could be witness to them and REALLY???? Fuck your stupid ass. Cunt.
YAY!!!!!! I feel so much better!!!!! I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS GOOD AND TRUE in the WORLD that I will not stay away for SO FUCKING LONG ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry to worry you guys. BUT FUCK??? You have my email (look left and scroll the fuck up……..recognize, bitches). Holla at a bitch.
Random Thought of the Day: Fuck. You.
Filed under: Santa is my bitch.
Another year almost coming to a close and I seriously can’t wrap my brain around it. So many things have happened that it seems like two or three years have passed and yet it seems like yesterday I was fighting with a blow up Santa in my front yard while crying because the fucking WIND wouldn’t leave me and my festive ass alone while I was trying to HOLIDAYIZE my YARD!
2011 can suck my dick. Fo’ real.
And I know I’ve said this before about years of yore but REALLY???!?? Yeah….it can suck it.
I’ve continued on my tortuous briar ridden path and I’ve slayed fucking dragons along the way as well as drank from The Cup Of Happiness from time to time. I’ve learned so many things about so many people and it’s like when you turn 41, God lifts this veil that has been clouding your vision for the last umteen years and you’re like HOLYFUCKBALLS REALLY?? It’s pretty cool. I feel so much wiser. And so fucking old.
I’ve learned that people that you thought were friends tend to fade away, for whatever reason, until they are nothing but a distant foggy ass memory and you begin to even wonder why you bothered in the first place. Believe me when I say that I’ve mourned. Oh I’ve mourned. And I was angry. Oh was I so fucking angry. I doubted myself at times but when I step back? And ASSESS the SITUATION, I could give a rat’s ass at the loss. Because I know I’m a good person with a BIG ASS heart who diligently puts herself before others ALL the time and just asks for honesty, loyalty and acceptance from everyone she encounters. Silly girl, I know. Live and fucking learn. I’m not going to apologize for who I am anyfuckingmore.
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?????????? I love me some Santa. Even if he secretly wanted to touch my butt. SQUEEEEEEE!
And I woke up to THIS the other morning:
What the fuck, Fog? I totally thought there was a zombie apocalypse going on up in here because of this bullshit and I almost went inside and put my running shoes on and picked up a rifle because THIS??? THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE!!!?? Not cool. Then I came to my senses and watch the Weather Channel and heard something about “cold” and “freeze” and “pressure in the clouds or some bullshit” and I realized it was just regular ol’ fog and I still had to go to work. Dammit.
BUT OHMYJESUS look at my driveway snowflake simulator light up lighty thingies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!
Not kidding you when I say I almost drop a turd everytime I see this shit in the darkness! I LOVE IT! It’s like they say, “HI EVERYONE!!! WALK THIS WAY!!!! THIS HOUSE AND THE BAD ASS CHICK WHO RESIDES HERE TOTALLY KICK ASS!! WELCOME TO MY WINTER WONDERLAND!!!”
And I wanted even bigger and better lights on my sweet house this year….so….um….I used a “ladder” and I climbed on the fucking roof BY MYSELF LIKE A GOD DAMN SPIDER MONKEY OF CHRISTMAS JOY and I did THIS:
People….calm down. CALM DOWN! I know it KICKS ASS!!! And my neighbors across the way….ones I haven’t talked about yet and I’m so sorry about that because you don’t REALIZE the trash that moved in across the street….when they saw me up on the ROOFTOP CLICK CLICK CLICK they were JEALOUS and the next day, the were up on THEIR roof fixing their SAD ASS lights that were just barely DRAPED across their rooftop (which I didn’t get a picture of and I’m mad about that because it looked like someone threw up….literally VOMITED up lights…..onto their stupid house). Like they didn’t even give a shit. AND….they have a fucking light up palm tree in their yard….with DEER! WHAT THE HELL???? This isn’t The Keys, you IDIOTS!!!!! Anyway, climbing on the RAFTERS is TOUGH work and I can’t believe they made their DAUGHTER climb her big ass up there and do it because I have a single story residence and they live in the two story CASTLE across the street and I was scared for HER SAFETY because that roof is HIGH and shit but she did ok even though she just left the last 2 yards or so of lights just hanging SADLY in the wind. Check this shit out:
And just so you know, I JUST RIGHT NOW snapped this picture and I didn’t see him out in his yard and he saw my flash and LOOKED AT ME and I totally had to pretend that I was on the phone with someone and I was all, “I’m out here in the yard right now WHERE ARE YOU?” and I kept saying, “Uh huh….uh huh…uh huh” until he BELIEVED that I was on the phone and didn’t come over and try to kill me. You are WELCOME, people. Look to the top left of the photo…the sadness that is the leftover hanging string of lights. AND THE PALM TREE TO THE BOTTOM RIGHT!!! Ugh….I think I’m pissed because this shit has been up since the DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN!!! THERE ARE RULES PEOPLE!!!! But….I have to give MAD props….because I totally want to steal this from their yard and put it in my own but I haven’t quite figured out the whole “logistics” and “repercussions” of doing that….LOOK AT THIS GLORIOUS SHIT RIGHT HERE:
Yep. You are seeing correctly. THAT? Is a blow up trailer. Shit just got real, am I right???!??? And Santa pops out the front door then pops back in. I’m INSANELY jealous. WHERE DOES ONE FIND THIS GEM??????? I must do me some googlin’ or some shit.
I did put my sweet ass tree up!!!
And my beautiful license plate/metal sign wall is almost complete!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks to everyone who contributed!!!! IT’S BAD ASS!!!
Anyway….I’m fixin’ to go do some Yard Recon under the cover of darkness….see what other sweet treasures I can be COMPLETELY jealous of!!! BUT LOOK HOW LONG MY HAIR IS GETTING!! I FEEL LIKE I HAVEN’T SEE YA’LL in YEARS!!!
And OOOOOOOOOOO LA LA!!! I’m wearing my FANCY SCRUBS@@&%&$*$&#&!!!!!
HURRY SANTA!!!! I NEED THOSE FINGERLESS GLOVES MADDIE BOUGHT FOR ME AND PUT IN MY STOCKING AND WON’T LET ME HAVE UNTIL CHRISTMAS!!! THIS BLOWS!!!
Random Thought of the Day: November 27 at 6:50pm, I felt like someone rolled me into a ball, shoved me up their ass, and then shit me out. It wasn’t pretty.